Sunday, June 29, 2008

William the Conqueror had a Gay Kid

Driving across the vastness of nothing.

First I was in Canada for one more beautiful day...












Then, unfortunately and in chronological order:
Montana... North Dakota... Minnesota... AAAAAAGH!
Same prairie, different day.

Yes, it is grandiose in it's emptiness.
Yes I passed by several sites I recognized from reading about the Lakota Wars of the 1870's.

Yes it is too much time alone in my wee head.

Stayed at the Sacajawea Hotel and Inn outside of Nowhere, Montana.

Stayed at the Wagon Wheel Hotel just north of Fargo.

Stayed in my car for 30 HOURS all the way to... Milwaukee!

This roadside dinosaur is the most interesting thing I saw the whole fucking drive.

I am much resolved never to spend that amount of time alone again.


I listened to an audiobook on the entire history of the British Monarchy.
Here is my advice - stop after the House of York. Once you get to the Tudors it's just not that interesting (no offense to the Brititsh).

I realized why I like American history more, especially the revolutionary period. American history seems to be all about lofty ideals and this wacky, crazy experiment in self-government.
I know that's reductive but it's also in large part true.

English history - at least the royal part - is just one rich nobleman or woman backstabbing another in a constant struggle for power which seemed to have very little if anything at all to do with the wellbeing of the common people.

Perhaps I'm being judgmental but that's my impression after making it through all of one book. So uniformed I may be. I'm tearing through Churchill's "History of the English Speaking Peoples" now so perhaps my opinions will change. It's happened before.

I learned a few interesting things tho!

For instance William the Conqueror (the guy in the picture) had a gay son. So if anyone out there has a gay child and is at all chagrined, fret not.

William the fucking Conqueror
had a gay kid too. So relax, you're in good company.




William's kid was William the II but everybody called him Rufus.
That is fucking hilarious.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Ahhhh...

Fucking great show in Canadia tonight.

About 140 Calgarians came to party. OK for a Thursday night in summer, eh?

I like Canadian audiences because even if you jest 'bout sensitive subjects during your show they don't get pre-offended the way American audiences tend to do (depending on what city you're in of course).

I also like them because I can do an hour and a half show without mentioning my dick or someone's pussy. Or my dick in someone's pussy. Or someone's pussy in the general vicinity of my dick.

Or even vague allusions to dicks, pussies, fucking, sucking, licking, biting, fisting, anal, cumming, spitting, swallowing, midget frolicking, salad-tossing or least of all naked pancake wallowing (you figure out what that last one is).

They just don't need it. The Canadians that is.
They're not that intellectually lazy.

The best part is when I close the show on a blow-job joke the Canucks lap it up quite thankfully!

OK, maybe that was a bad metaphor.

What I mean is, they're willing to use their brains for an entire 90 minute set. So when you do a dick joke or two at the end it's like a special treat for 'em. Fucking adorable.

A couple new Canadian-specific jokes for your enjoyment...

Canada is the most passive aggressive country I've ever been to. I firmly believe it would never invade another nation - they'd just move in and leave their shit everywhere.

Canada - where the money is different colors and the people mostly aren't.

We should have invaded Canada instead of Iraq. Have you seen the average American waistline? Fucking Canadian syrup is a bigger threat than Saddam ever was.

On a serious note - I can't wait to come back here next year.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Politics Vs. Art















I am most at peace when I am on stage practicing my craft.

I am only at peace when I am on stage practicing my craft.

Everything surrounding that moment is for me almost untenable.

But that moment is everything.

Clive James once compared being an artist to being a slave (calm down people, it was a metaphor).

He said that only by submitting to your art can you ever really find freedom.

True that.

All I can say is thank God I'm working tomorrow evening.

Monday - Wednesday is my least favorite time of the year.

Can you tell I'm not good at relaxing? I don't do well with days off.

I do well with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome..."

This is starting to sound whiny.

Starting?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Campbell Brown Needs a Valium and Lou Dobbs is a Fucking Moron

Today I saw CNN's Campbell Brown lead off her newscast by saying two muslim women had made "explosive allegations" against Obama's campaign, sending his team into "damage control mode again".

Campbell, for propriety's sake it's best not to refer to muslims as having made "explosive" allegations. Although it did make me laugh.

The damage control thing pissed me off though. Damage from who? The media over reporting a teensy incident that has nothing to do with any real, substantive issues affecting the American people? Fuck away, Campbell.

She was of course referring to the non-story that two Obama volunteers had told a couple muslim women who were wearing head scarves that they couldn't sit behind Obama at a campaign event. This is really not worth a second of air-time.

These are two idiot volunteers acting most likely of their own accord and not representing the true feelings of the Obama campaign or Senator Obama, who I really don't think is paranoid about being seen with Muslims. Need evidence?

See below.

So in short, these were too dumb-ass self-important "volunteers" (in other words - non-paid, non-official staffers) who decided to tell the women to move. It is a non-story.

The media being the media however, it probably sounded too juicy too pass up when they were spit-balling it around at the morning meeting (Oh! What noxious vapors of douchebaggery must waft around those rooms - sniiifff. Ah, I can almost smell it from Calgary.).

So she led off her newscast with the "explosive" allegations tease, and then didn't mention it until late in the newscast and then only briefly.

(BTW - As I type this blogspot keeps underlining Obama in red as if I've misspelled it. NOTE TO BLOGSPOT: Obama is going to be President. It is time to add his name to spellcheck. Ironically blogspot also keeps underlining blogspot. So apparently blogspot is not aware of blogspot.)

Also tonight I saw Lou Dobbs demand off-shore oil-drilling. As if fucking up the coastline and relying more and more on petroleum is the answer to our energy problems.

Lou, dear sweet, fat-headed Lou, off-shore drilling will only lower the cost of fuel by pennies and it will further fuck up the atmosphere by keeping us on the carbon emissions path. Also I heard a rumor they'll hire illegal Mexicans to do the drilling!

Just kidding about the last thing.

Anyway he was OUTRAGED and INDIGNANT as always because, hey, that sells. To be truthful I think he has a fair piece of indignant lodged in his colon. He always looks like he's trying to take a shit or pass a huge piece of hate through his duodenum. But that's just my opinion.

Look, people, the point is we need massive wind, solar and other alternative energy investment. We need hydrogen-fuled tractors, cars and trucks. We need electric cars powered by the aforementioned solar and wind. We need a rail freight system powered by wind and solar running throughout this country to bring goods to market.

What we don't need is more oil drilling fucking up the ecosystem, my lungs and my kid's future's.

Also Lou Dobbs needs a high-colonic. He has 40 pounds of outrage wedged in a bile duct and it's gonna kill him someday.