Radically Pro-F**king

Wow, the GOP is really progressive.

I mean they nominated a woman! For Vice-President!!! In 2008!

Which is about 24 years after the Democrats did it.

Yawn.

This may be the most cynical VP pick I've ever seen.

I mean what's the strategy here?

Does McCain actually expect to peel off a significant amount of women voters just because he nominated the former runner-up to Ms. Alaska?

Does John McCain really think women are that stupid?

I guess the obvious answer is YES - JOHN MCCAIN REALLY THINKS WOMEN ARE THAT STUPID.

Otherwise you have to wonder why did he pick her? Was Palin truly the best person for the job?

No. Most likely he nominated her because she has a vagina.

And here I thought Republicans were against affirmative action.

I know some of you are thinking this is a ground-breaking pick. This is a chance to "shatter that glass ceiling once and for all!".

But please slow down for a mo and allow me to point out that while Sarah Palin is most certainly a woman (and therefore in my mind has the chance to be the most fuckable Vice-President ever) she is also anti-choice, pro-gun, pro big oil, opposes stem-cell research, wants to teach creationism in schools, tried to ban books at the local library, also has ZERO FOREIGN POLICY EXPERTISE and is currently the first term governor of Alaska - a state which has a population smaller than the cast of Lost.

Before that she was the mayor of a town with 7,000 people. There are bigger high schools than that.

All of which brings too mind that watchword of the last month - experience.

After all isn't that why Obama has been painted by McCain as such an overwhelmingly DANGEROUS pick - because he was a first-term Senator with so little "experience"?

I guess that argument is off the table now that John - death is not only knockin' at my door but ringing the Goddamn doorbell - McCain has nominated someone who is younger than Obama and has fewer foreign policy credentials than my left testicle.

In fact Palin has said she's "not that interested" in foreign policy. So that's promising. I'm sure Vladimir Putin is trembling in his boots thinking about going toe to toe with the former runner-up to Ms. Alaska who is "not that interested" in foreign policy.

Great choice, John!

Also Palin said her favorite meal is Moose Stew.

Ew. I take back what I said about her being fuckable.

Alsthough Governor Palin does have 5 kids which means she has definitely been fucked at some point.

So that's at least one thing I have in common with this Republican harpie.

We are both pro-fucking!

Of course Palin is against abortion in all cases INCLUDING RAPE AND INCEST.

So in Sarah Palin's world if you're dad fucks you, then you become pregnant and for some crazy reason want to get an abortion well... you're fucked.

OK I totally take back what I said about being pro-fucking. I am now moderately pro-fucking while Sarah Palin is rabidly pro-fucking in all cases INCLUDING RAPE AND INCEST.

Speaking of which, I'm looking forward to Joe Biden ripping her a new one in the debate.

And then fucking her in it.

Hee hee.

Maybe the runner-up to Ms. Alaska is hoping there's a talent portion to the event.

Hee hee again.

Here's another thought - Sarah Palin - the zero foreign policy experience Vice-Presidential nominee to a 72 year-old four time Melanoma surivor - also has 5 kids, one of whom is a baby.

So there is a very good chance that if she's elected Palin will be changing diapers for two gwumpy widdle boys.

By the way if you vote for McCain just because his running mate has a twat you are dumber than a pot of moose stew.


One last observation - Andrea Mitchell's facelift makes her look like the Joker in the 1988 "Batman" movie.

Yeah, And?

I don't care who Obama picks as his VP.

I just want the conversation to be over with.

If I hear one more reporter let loose a self-congratulatory chuckle right before saying the word "veepstakes", I'm going to microwave a Bible.

It's just an excuse to fill the discussion with idle chatter so they can avoid talking about complicated or uncomfortable things. Things that aren't quite fodder for gossip.

I can tell you in this election people will not be voting based on who the VP is.

If you're thinking about voting for McCain at this point you see the World so differently from a Democratic voter that Obama could probably nominate Rush Limbaugh for Veep and you'd still go the other way.

This is a black and white election in more ways than one.

This is Probably Bad

From a recent editorial in the Russian newspaper Pravda...

"So you have the colossal audacity, Mr. Bush, to “warn” Russia to pull back? As the wanton, perverse war criminal under whose watch the world saw the crime known as “shock and awe” committed, I’d say you were well out of your mind to suggest that Russia should pull back.

What’s a little shock and awe among inferior people we want to rob and destroy, eh?

What do human beings need an infrastructure for?

Why do they need clean water? Why do they need electricity?

What’s a little torture?

What’s a little regime change? Don’t recall when that was a goal of yours?

What’s a little deviant, perverted sexual experimentation and humiliation?

What’s a few secret detention camps?

What’s wrong with destroying an environment for 4 billion years and generations after generations of people? After all, they’re just rag heads, aren’t they Mr. Bush?

Perhaps when Russia even begins to match your tremendous feats of glory can you speak about pulling back you fool of the worst kind."

Yikes. Looks like we have a teensy bit of a stain on our reputation.

But don't worry.

I'm sure we can wash it right out with just a few drops of water.


One last thing - God Bless America.

Not this one. The one I read about in books...

Enough Bullshit to Choke a Messiah

"It was like watching pigs roll around in shit and fuck each other happily."
My friend Rachel on the Saddleback Summit

Some more thoughts on the recently televised debacle...

1. I'm so sick of arguing about abortion with evangelicals I want to punch a baby.

Abortion is legal, will always be legal and unless you want to take women who get abortions and prosecute them for pre-meditated murder you should shut the fuck up right now.

It's not a life, it's a fucking fetus. You don't have a funeral for a miscarriage.

There, I rest my case.

2. If self-importance caused cancer Rick Warren would have tumors the size of Jesus.

Sort of ironic for a guy who preaches "it's not about you."

Because tonight was clearly about Rick Warren and his fat fucking ego-hole. How else to explain the -dare I say it- "audacity" of his questions?

I didn't mind that he asked the candidates about their faith. Well actually yeah I do but at least that's a legitimate question for a pastor to ask.

But when he starts asking them about what Supreme Court justices they like or don't like he obliterates the wall of separation between church and state to the point where he might as well be an Iranian Imam.

We live in America, not the United States of Jesus. Jesus is not in the constitution, nor in any local or civil codes that I'm aware of.

If you're a pastor keep it to the metaphysical. Asking about the fucking Supreme court is not in your job description and it's inappropriate in the extreme.

Some of the questions were also just plain puerile. At one point he asked, "Does evil exist?". How reductive a query is that? Liker one of the candidates was actually going to say, "No, evil is imaginary. Just like Jesus."

Also why is this event on TV? This should have been a private thing. Putting it on TV is gross and only serves to feed into the self-importance of delusional rapture-believing evangelicals while at the same time marginalizing rational humanists.

In short - it sucks and I'm offended.

Boo-hoo.

3. John McCain comes off really well when he's allowed to regurgitate right-wing talking points without being challenged on their veracity.

For instance he said that we're "winning" the war in Iraq.

Bullshit.

Baghdad has been divided into Shiite and Sunni ghettos. The residents of these hell-holes cannot leave their respective slums without being killed or worse. 12 foot walls separate neighborhoods from each other.

This horrible partitioning is more responsible than any surge for the reduction in violence.

Militias are in control of large parts of the city and the country. The Green Zone is still the only safe place for Americans.

5 years after invading most Iraqis still don't have running water or power for more than a few hours a day. They are wallowing in sewage in the heat of summer.

3 million Iraqis have fled as refugees and are afraid or unable to return to their country.

Many more are homeless. Thousands are dead.

How the fuck are we "winning"?

But alas, this is now the conventional wisdom.

WE ARE WINNING SAYS THE MEDIA AND ALL EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY SHALL BE TORN TO BITS AND SHOVED DOWN THE MEMORY HOLE AT ONCE!

McCain later said he wouldn't have nominated Justices Ginsburg, Souter and Breyer.

But he VOTED FOR ALL OF THEM.

So he is either easily fooled or he gets confused and votes "yes" when he means "no".

Which is worse?

Also McCain said America was "founded on Judeo-Christian principles".

No we fucking weren't. Where in the Bible does it mention freedom of speech or protection from unlawful search and seizure? Where in the New Testament does it talk about the right to own a gun or a free press?

It doesn't and it's bullshit to say the founding fathers were Christians.

Some were, many were NOT. They were deists, atheists and agnostics.

This country was founded on English common law and the philosophy of the Enlightenment that said man is capable of rational self-government.

So for McCain to claim that we we're founded by BIBLE THUMPERS means one of two things: he is either lying through his teeth or incredibly, unforgivably ignorant.

Which is worse?

SEPARATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND PANDER

Questions...

Why is anyone sitting on stage feeding the ego of this mega-church douchebag? Why are the members of his church privy to what amounts to a de facto Presidential debate?

When did red-headed idiot Rick Warren become the spiritual guru for our country? I just about vomited when Obama brought up how Warren sold 25 million books and they both laughed heartily about it.

I get it, Pastor. You're rich as shit. I'm sure Jesus would be really, really proud.

This reminds me of Medieval England when the King had to cultivate relationships with clergy in order to keep the reigns of power.

Why did the Obama campaign even agree to this event in the first place? He doesn't agree with these Jesus-Freaks on most issues and he's not going to convince a huge amount of them to vote for him no matter how hard or how fast he panders.

These people are too close-minded to peel off any # of them high enough to make a difference.
These are not intellectuals. These are believers.

Obama and his "nuanced" positions are lost on people who believe there is a man in the sky watching everything you do and keeping score. These are people who really BELIEVE that someone was dead for 3 days and then - whoop! - magically rose out of the fucking ground and ascended into heaven.

I'm sure they're really ready to think hard and deep about stem-cell research.

I'm watching this debacle and I have to say so far it's disheartening to hear what Obama has to say. He seems unable to say to these people - "Look, you and I are going to disagree on a lot of issues but here is where we can maybe find common ground. If you vote for me great, if no I understand."

Like gay marriage - as a black man Obama should be ashamed to "define" marriage as between a man and a woman. After all it wasn't too long ago that interracial marriage was considered verboten to many Americans. But I guess gay is the new black.

We just legalized gay marriage in California and no one seems to have lost their shit over it. I wish he'd just said, "Marriage is a state issue, not a religious one. Get over it."

But he trotted out that civil union bullshit which is the equivalent of "separate but equal".

Whatever. This event is bullshit even in the basic conception. Why are they talking at a big mega-church on TV?

Is John McCain going to talk at the Atheist's convention? How about the next gathering of the Council for Secular Humanism?

Of course not. Because even though we have SEPARATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE apparently the Jesus Freaks are the only one's who matter.

I want to go live in another country now.

By the way, I've seen better, more probing questions asked on Inside the Actor's Studio.

I was waiting for Warren to ask Obama what his favorite sound or noise was.

Children's Literature

I just spent the last hour reading picture book after picture book to a 2 year-old girl in an attempt to get her to fall asleep.

At the end of it she was still wired like a crystal meth addict on Red Bull.

I blame children's literature.

These books have beautiful pictures and captivating plots about cute lil' animals that get lost and find their way home against overwhelming odds. Even I can't put it down.

Fuck that.

Next time I wanna put a kid to bed I'm reading them either Dostoevsky, Melville or anything by Joel Osteen.

ZZZZ, indeed.

By the way, don't read this and pretend you like Melville. I'll give you Dostoevsky but no one really likes Melville.

We all just pretend we do because it's easier than admitting we've been wrong about "Moby Dick" all these years.

The Death of Stand-Up Comedy America...

In the last 18 months alone...

R.I.P. Nitwits - Sioux Falls, SD

R.I.P. Comedy Texas - Beaumont, TX

R.I.P. The Funny Bone - Fairview Heights, IL

R.I.P. The Funny Bone - Boise, ID

R.I.P. The Funny Bone - Reno, NV

R.I.P. The Funny Bone - South Bend, IN

Clubs closing, travel costs skyrocketing, wages stagnating, no one with the time or energy to leave the house and see a show...

Folks, once every 6 months please go out and support your local comedy club. Otherwise you may wake up one day to find it's gone.

So pay for a ticket, buy a drink or two, get out from in front of that hi-def TV, computer screen, iphone or other thingamajig and enjoy some good old-fashioned live entertainment.

Unless your local club doesn't book me.

Then fuck 'em. Burn it to the ground.

The Off-Shore Drill Bit - A Love Song to Credulous Americans Everywhere

Gas is like $4 a gallon these days...

Or even more (see picture).

So what does the Republican party do about these dire straits of Hormuz?

What, might you ask, is their cumulative, best answer to this gravest of American circumstance?

What solution shall they evince to soundly countermand the shot across the bow of the U.S.S. Armageddon that is the current energy crunch?

Well for the most part they seem content to rant and rave like ADD-addled 2nd graders in men's clothing. Yes one can't help but feel secure that the country is in good hands when the Republican party pries it's mouth off the oil companies' collective johnson just long enough to throw an astounding hissy fit for tourists on the floor of the House of Representatives.

About what? Why about the IMMINENT NEED FOR OFFSHORE DRILLING.

Because THAT and THAT ALONE is the answer to all our prayers.

Yeah.

Right.

In other words they insincerely offer a non-solution to the VERY REAL problem of energy. Then they turn it into a political stick and wield it like a fucking bludgeon against the noggin of public opinion until the American populous doesn't know what to think anymore.

Of course if we had a skeptical media instead of an inept media this wouldn't be an issue. The problem is the mainstream press is pushing this crap like it's actually a viable issue. Under the guise of impartiality they're repeating the GOP talking points without bothering to refute the obvious facts.

The result of all this being that an apparently large part (80% at last count) of the overworked, underpaid, non-investigatory-by-nature type citizens in this here country are apparently buying into the Republican oil company-whore bull shee-yat machine.

So for all you confused, lost, faithful patriots out there, here's THREE BIG REASONS why OFFSHORE DRILLING IS WRONG, along with a few simple exercises you can do that are sure to help with yer learnin' 'bout the issue!

Reason #1 - It will take 10 years to see any of this oil. 10 fucking years.

Here's a good way to think about that:

Take the age that you are now. This moment. Today.

Then add 10 years to it.

What number did you arrive at? Good.

That will be the age you are before offshore drilling HAS ANY FUCKING EFFECT ON OIL PRICES.

If that's not enough to sink in the message then try this handy theorem:

Go look in the nearest mirror and stare right at your lovely, dimpled American face.

Now imagine the effects of another DECADE OF RECORD OIL PRICES and EXTREME GLOBAL WARMING RADIATION will have on that presumably vacant expression you so comfortably wear like an old pair of granny panties.

Yes, dear Americanski, you are correct!

10 years from now you will not only look stupid (as per usual), but rather stupid and old.

Enjoy that!

Reason #2 - When the oil hits the market it will only effect the price by a few cents.

Here's a great exercise to help you comprehend the ultimate, inescapable insignificance of "a few cents":

Go to the closest store to your house.

Maybe even walk to save on energy. That's a good patriot! :)

Now try to buy something with a nickel.

What do you mean "you can't buy something for a nickel"?

Why surely you can get a pack of gum or some beef jerky or maybe even a stick of licorice for a good ol' Tommy Jefferson!

Jesus H., he was our THIRD PRESIDENT after all. His visage has to have some value, if only sentimental.

No? You can't buy anything?

Great! Now think about the effect that saving A FEW CENTS PER GALLON IN 10 YEARS will have on your life!

If your answer was ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM then congrats!

You're starting to comprehend the unfortunate fact that you jus' ain't gonna send your kiddies to college with the money you saved because of offshore drilling.

Reason #3 - When you're in a hole the first rule is: STOP DIGGING.

Look, folks, we're addicted to oil. Even 'Dubya says so. So is the solution to that to try and find more oil?

Oil that won't even hit the pumps for 10 years?

Let's ponder this question by completing another super-duper easy exercise. Ready?

Step 1: Go get addicted to heroin.

Pretty great stuff, huh?

Step 2: OK, now try to get off of heroin by DOING MORE HEROIN.

What? You're still riding the white horse? Shoot.

How about this...

Step 3: Try to stop shooting up heroin by going out and LOOKING FOR CHEAPER HEROIN THAT IS CLOSER TO YOUR HOUSE.

How's that working out?

Huh? What do you mean you're still addicted to heroin and your arm is covered with puss-filled scabs?

Well shit. Sorry!

Um, look, just try not to get AIDS from a dirty needle or blow anyone for like a dollar.

I mean you can't even get a gallon of gas for a dollar, let alone some more yummy smack.

OK, now sober up and think about what that exercise taught us besides the fact that heroin fucking rocks.

It taught us you don't break an addiction to something by doing more of what you're addicted to.

Duh.

To sum up...

The solution is not offshore drilling.

The solution is alternative energy investment and NOW.

Plug-in hybrids, updated building codes, public transit that runs on good karma and rainbows, I don't give a shit.

The answer is anything but letting the oil companies fuck up the coast line and pollute our already damaged ecosystem so you can save a nickel a gallon in 10 years.

OK, final exercise:

Take a deep breath.

Now admit I'm right.