Sean Kent Standup Comedy

This Week In History Volume 9!

2009-04-08T00:54:00.000-07:00

April 5^th – 11^th

* In 1957 the Suez Canal was reopened after tense negotiations.

This marked the opening of the largest canal on record until January 26, 2009 when Nadya Suleman gave birth to Octuplets.

* In 1961 the Holocaust’s most famous planner, Adolph Eichmann, went on trial in Jerusalem.

Eichmann was the Nazi official known chiefly as the author of “The Final Solution”. However he also authored the best-sellers “Genocide for Dummies” and “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Ridding Europe of the Jewish Menace”.

* In 1992 retired Tennis Great Arthur Ashe announced he had contracted AIDS from tainted blood given to him during a heart operation.

This taught millions of people the World over that you should never, ever receive open-heart surgery while having sex with a gay guy.

* In 2005 Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles.

It was a quiet ceremony with the couple exchanging their “I do’s” at Windsor Castle with a few friends on hand. Afterwards there were Tea and Crumpets and then the groom took the bride back to her stall after riding her in a quick game of polo.

Triva Time!

Q. On April, 11, 1865 who gave his last public speech?

A. Abraham Lincoln

Bonus Factoid!

Many people of course remember the Gettysburg Address for its soaring poetry but no one remembers this speech - probably because it was so short.

Apparently earlier in the day the President had eaten some bad food and ended the talk by saying, “Sorry folks, but I gotta go ‘cause I’m about to drop one hell of a Lincoln Log”.

This Week In History Volume 8!

2009-04-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

March 29 – April 4

* In 1933 Adolf Hitler got 99% of the vote in a referendum to ratify German reoccupation of the Rhineland.

Of course you know who cost him that other 1 percent - Frickin' Nader Voters.

* In 1983 WrestleMania was attended by over 93,000 fans at the Pontiac Silverdome, setting a record for the highest attendance at an indoor sporting event in History.

This also marked the first time at a sporting event that there was more trash located in the seats than under them.

* In 1991 the Georgian Independance Referendum passed, giving Georgia complete autonomy from the Soviet Union and establishing it as an independant country.

When Mississippi heard about it they were super pissed.

* In 1969 the US announced a change of strategy in Vietnam, saying the military would now try to begin “Vietnamizing” the war effort.

This was considered a marked change of strategy from the preceding six years when the US had attempted to win the war by an all out strategy of “Mexicanizing” it.

Trivia Time!!

Q. In 1850 what southern California town was incorporated as a city?

A. Los Angeles!

Bonus Factoid!!

In Spanish Los Angeles means “The Angels”. This means the "Los Angeles Angels" are technically “The Angels Angels”. Or as everyone in LA likes to call them, “Not the Dodgers”.

This Week In History Volume 7!

2009-03-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

March 22-28

* In 1894 the first Stanley Cup game was played.

Then, 10 years later, the first goal was scored.

* On March 23, 1933 at the height of “The Great Depression” FDR signed a bill ending prohibition.

Thus March 24, 1933 wil forever go down in history as “The Great Hangover”. (I can only imagine what it will be like the day after they cure AIDS.)

* In 1945 “The Arab League” was founded when a charter was adopted in Cairo, Egypt.

The Arab League differs from NATO in that it has 22 members, only includes countries in the Middle East and also does not allow the use of a “designated hitter”.

* In 1978 Karl Wallenda passed away after falling from a tight rope in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Henceforth Karl became quite famous as the “Dying Wallenda”.

* In 1969 John Lennon and Yoko Ono celebrated their honeymoon by holding a “bed-in” for peace at the Amsterdam Hilton.

It would have been more effective as a stunt but since they were newlyweds most of the media just assumed they were really, really horny. Or since it was Amsterdam, really, really stoned.

Trivia Time!!!

Q. In 1775 Patrick Henry delivered a famous speech where he said “Give me liberty or give me...”

A. Death

Bonus Factoid!!

This was considered a great improvement over his first draft of the speech which read, “Get your hands off me you damn dirty apes.”

This Week In History Volume 6!

2009-03-08T23:13:00.001-07:00

March 8-14

* In 1916 Francisco “Pancho” Villa led a group of Mexicans across the US border in a surprise raid.

It wasn’t actually surprising that Pancho Villa led a raid. He was a bandit, after all. What was surprising is that when the raid was over all the Mexicans went home.

* In 1942 the army of Holland surrendered to Japanese forces on the island of Java.

Which just goes to show you cannot fight a war wearing wooden shoes while higher than Cheech Marin at a Los Lobos concert.

* In 1977 astronomers found rings around Uranus.

All I'm saying is, you should probably get that looked at.

* In 1945 The Royal Air Force dropped the first 22,000 pound “Grand Slam” bomb on the town of Bielefeld, Germany.

This quickly became a much more devastating weapon than the formerly utilized “Moons Over My Hammy” missile.

Trivia Question Time!!

Q. In 1959 what famous doll made her first appearance?

A. Barbie!

Ironically, the All-American Barbie was based on the design of a popular German doll called "Bild Lilli".

So I think we all know what that means. Barbie hates Jews.

Now over the years Barbie has been criticized for giving young girls an unrealistic expectation of what their bodies should look like.

In fact according to a health study Barbie would be 5-9, have a 36 inch bust, 18 inch waist and 33 inch hips which means she would lack the 17-22 percent body fat required for a woman to menstruate.

Wow, as if she couldn’t get any more perfect!

Bonus Question!

Do you know what else Barbie lacks that would technically cause her not to be able to menstruate?

Answer: A vagina.

This Week In History Volume 5!

2009-03-05T19:41:00.000-08:00

March 1-7

This Week in History Volume 5

* In 1807 Congress passed an act banning the importation of slaves into the US.

It was all part of a big program by the government to get people to "buy American".

It was also in reaction to a shipment of slaves from China that were found to contain very high levels of lead.

* In 1962 Wilt Chamberlain set the single-game scoring record in the NBA buy putting the ball in the hole for 100 points.

Later Wilt would become famous for his ability to put something else in the hole over and over and over.

And over.

* In 2002 Switzerland’s citizens narrowly voted to become a member of the United Nations.

Wow, the UN was only founded in '46. Way to take a stand Switzerland.

Which brings up the question – do you know why Swiss cars suck?
Because they’re always in neutral.

* In 1946 Sir Winston Churchill first used the phrase “Iron Curtain” in a speech in Missouri.

Some other iconic phrases Churchill coined but never got credit for include “free-ballin’”, “you go, girl”, the ever-popular “Hitler sucks ass” and of course speaking of iron curtains Churchill also came up with the now even more famous expression “beef-curtains”.

* In 2001 35 people were crushed in Mecca during the annual pilgrimage known as the Hajj. Do you know how many died?

Allah.

Trivia Question Time!!!

Question: In 1876 who was granted a patent for the telephone?

Answer : Alexander Graham Bell

His first words were widely thought to be, “Watson, is that you?”

To which Watson replied, “Of course it’s me, douchebag. I’m the only other guy on the planet with a frickin’ telephone.”

Thanks!
Sean

This Week in History Volume 4!

2009-02-23T23:07:00.000-08:00

February 22-28

* This week in 1955 America’s greatest female Tennis player, Maureen “Little Mo” Connolly retired from the game.

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say her legacy has inspired literally thousands of other ’mos to get involved with women’s sports.

* In 1997 the Holocaust movie “Schindler’s List” was shown on broadcast television without commercial interruption.

This marked the first time a film had ever aired completely on TV without any advertising breaks, thus proving once and for all that the Jews control Hollywood.

* In 1455 the uber-famous Gutenberg Bible was published – making it the first Western book to be printed from movable type and also giving Gideons everywhere a reason to live.

The Bible was of course made by Johannes Gutenberg, a German printer who later went on to star in the popular “Police Acadamy” movies and the worldwide box-office smash “Three Men and a Little Schnitzel”.

* This week in 1929 Grand Teton National Park was founded in Wyoming.

To this day it still has the biggest set of Tetons in any American park not named “Dollywood”.

* Trivia question time!! Yaaaaay!!!!

This week in 1952 who discovered DNA?

Answer: Doctors James Watson and Francis Crick.

Follow up time!

Do you know where they discovered it?

Answer: Your mother’s chin.

See you next week history buffs!

This Week in History!

2009-02-16T09:16:00.000-08:00

February 15-21

* In 1797 the Island of Trinidad became a British Crown colony when it was surrendered to the English General Sir Ralph Abercromby.

To celebrate this tremendous naval victory Abercromby promptly engaged in a long, passionate kiss with his homosexual lover – Lieutenant Fitch.

Actually in truth Abercromby was well known for two things above all else. Number one for being a great General and number two for his absolute, undying love of Naval seamen.

* In 1879 President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing women to argue cases before the Supreme Court.

And as expected, since then we’ve never heard the end of it.

* 60 years ago this week Fidel Castro became the leader of Cuba.

True story - in his younger days Castro had a tryout as an in-fielder with a major-league baseball team but failed to make the squad. Turns out he could hit but had an inaccurate arm.

So apparenty Fidel not only overthrew Cuba’s government but unfortunately for us, also first base.

Of course at 50 years Castro still holds the record for the longest serving communist dictator, a record many people feel should come with an asterisk because last year he tested positive for steroids and beard-enhancer.

* In 1968 in Haleyville, Alabama the first 911 emergency phone system went into service.

You have to wonder how dangerous was Haleyville, Alabama (pop. 4,000) that they needed to institute an emergency phone system? What were the emergencies?

“Yes, ma’am, I’m jut calling to report - them Duke Boys is at it again!”

* This Week in History Trivia Question Bonus!

Question: In 1861 during the Civil War this man was inaugurated as the first and only President of the Confederate States of America. Who was he?

Answer: Jefferson Davis

Bonus Factoid!

In his previous career as Secretary of War for the United States, Davis gave elaborate reports to congress on various routes for the proposed trans-continental railroad of which he was a big proponent.

However you know what railroad Jefferson Davis wasn’t a fan of? The Underground one.

This Week in History

2009-02-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

February 9-15

* In 1961 Sabena flight 548 crashed in Belgium, killing all aboard including the entire United States Figure Skating team.

Eyewitnesses say the plane had a perfect take off but needless to say, completely failed to stick the landing. Of course the obvious lesson for all of us is it's not safe or appropriate to attempt a triple Salchow in a 737.

* In 1965 President Lyndon Baines Johnson sent the first combat troops to fight in South Vietnam.

Liberals everywhere immediately accused him of waging a “war for rice”.

* In 2006 Vice-President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man in the face while hunting quail.

Little known fact – the first President Bush once tried to shoot Dan Quayle in the face but missed and killed a pigeon.

* In 1924 Calvin Coolidge made history by becoming the first President in to give a political speech on the radio.

For the first 10 minutes he laid out his platform and then spent the next 2 and 1/2 hours making fun of Baba-Booey and giving away free tickets to the Journey concert.

* In 1989 Ayatollah Khomeini, the leader of Iran, issued a fatwa against Salman Rushdie for his book the “Satanic Verses”.

Now I looked it up and apparently a "fatwa" is a death sentence. This was interesting because I was under the impression that “fatwa” was Arabic slang for passing gas.

As in, “The other day I ate so much hummus I issued a fatwa that could have killed a camel.”

Or, “Hey, roll down the window. That falafel’s not agreeing with me and I’m about to issue one horrendous fatwa.”

This Week In History

2009-02-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

Welcome to This Week in History!

This will be a weekly exercise where I will attempt to spur an interest in history that has lain too long dormant in the breasts of men (side note: breasts doesn't mean boobs, it's a metaphor for your brain).

This is my first attempt... enjoy.

MONDAY - February 2

In 1653 the Dutch colony of New Amsterdam - later to be renamed New York - was officially incorporated as a city.

To celebrate this event five people were mugged and a homeless guy peed on a wall.

TUESDAY - February 3

In 1690 the Colony of Massachusetts issued the first paper money in America.

Adjusted for inflation in today's money three Massachusetts bank notes would be roughly equivalent to the life savings of everyone involved in the Bernie Maddoff ponzi scheme.

WEDNESDAY - February 4

On this day in 1789 George Washington was chosen as President of the United States, thus becoming America's first white President!

Washington was then followed by 42 more white Presidents in a row over a run of 220 years, exhibiting a dominance that has essentially made white people the New York Yankees of the Presidency.

THURSDAY - February 5

On this day in 1885 King Leopold the II of Belgium established the Congo Free State in Africa as his personal dominion.

Since this date Europeans have been having filthy monkey sex and bringing the diseases back to the First World on a semi-regular basis.

FRIDAY - February 6th

On February 6th, 1788 the Treaty of Alliance and the Treaty of Amity and Commerce were signed in Paris by the US and France, thus formalizing French aid in the Revolutionary War and also signifying official recognition of the 13 colonies as an independent republic.

To celebrate this momentous occasion that famous American sex aid the "Freedom Tickler" was renamed the "French Tickler" until an act of Congress in March 2003 reverted it back to the original.

SATURDAY - February 7

In 1944 in the city of Anzio, Italy the German forces launched a counter attack against the allied offensive "Operation Shingle", Which to this day still holds the record for the least intimidating secret attack plan name ever.

Other nominees are the invasion of Grenada, code-named "Operation Where the Hell is Grenada and Why the F**k Are We Attacking It?" and the original title for the Bay of Pigs - initially code-named "Operation Moo-cow".

SUNDAY - February 8

On this day in 2008 Nebraska banned the use of the Electric Chair as it's only method of execution.

Today frequently used ways of causing death in Nebraska include boredom, ennui, pointlessness and a little known method referred to colloquially as "corn-fisting."

Five Years Later

2009-01-14T00:07:00.000-08:00

So September of last year came and went.

She was so quiet about her business I didn't even notice as she passed by my window.

Perhaps I was simply too busy with my life of perpetual forward motion. Perhaps I was just oblivious.

Upon closer inspection this might be considered somewhat odd since September was the five year anniversary of my remission from lymphatic cancer. Five years out and you are mostly considered "cured". So some would think it strange that I should let such a momentous occasion slip by unremarked, even overlooked.

Because I didn't celebrate at all. I didn't have a small gathering of my closest friends. There was no sedate, reflective dinner party or a raucous all-nighter spent ingesting spirits with wilder acquaintances. Nor did I venture forward on a camping trip, taking my girlfriend out for a chance to stare up into space, remarking on stars and time, pondering the World and our places in it, discussing deeply our future life together and the final definition of love.

There was none of that.

This is somewhat out of the norm because most people, many people who get to their five year mark go balls to the wall in some way, shape or method. They buy themselves something outrageous, they go skydiving, they take an amazing trip or maybe they finally, blessedly just let themselves breathe for the first time in a long time.

Maybe I'm not built like that. Or maybe the wait took it out of me.

Because let's face it - five years is a long time to live in fear of death - 43,800 hours to be exact. These are the months, years where you eke out a smile or two between cat scans and hope against hope you will be one of the lucky ones. Five years is half a decade. It is a long time to be robbed of real joy, to not be able to count on anything, to not feel able to make long-term plans.

I was told I had a 40% chance to live this long. Imagine how that can keep you up at night, especially the first thousand hours.

So partying down hard-core just doesn't feel right to me. Partially because I feel angry, like I was robbed of a tremendous amount of inner peace for a long time and also because I'm not sure my life is anymore important than anyone else's or even that a huge party would be a correct and proper way to reflect and honor what I've been through.

In fact I'm sure it's not. So what is it I can do to stamp this moment?

Plenty. I start by celebrating it here, not with an artificial blowout surrounded by people special and not-so-special to me. Here is where I reflect on what surviving the last five years has given me and I do it with words because when all else failed me, when my body turned traitorous, when nothing worked but my eyes and my mind, the only thing I could count on were words - prose and poetry, fiction and non-fiction.

Language was my salvation then and so I use it now to exalt in all that has happened in the last 1,825 days, all I would not have experienced had I expired at 29 instead of the day sometime in the future when I will fall fast asleep and cease to awaken.

So let me share with you what I need to share. Because these are the things I know and a man should always tell you what he knows. Of that I am certain.

Because I know that even if I die tomorrow I fell in love again. No one, no disease can ever take that from me.

I know that I can also celebrate the gains I've made as an artist. For I am better now than I was then.

That is all an artist can ask for.

I know that I have seen Australia, New Zealand, London, Paris, Ireland, the Middle East, Africa, Canada and almost every state in the union.

I know that I have learned to love and feel for others on a level I did not think possible. Perhaps the greatest gift of this extra time has been being able to read a very special four year-old and two year-old girl the "Ferdinand the Bull" children's book at night as they fell into a deep slumber on my chest.

This was all truly grand. Every minute, second and hour of it.

But don't get me wrong. Life has not all been sunshine and roses.

These past five years have been extreme at times. Because life always is.

I've been lied to. I've been told the truth.

I've made the right move. I've fucked up beyond repair.

I've heard music that makes me want to live forever.

I've been so full of hate and pain I thought I would combust if I had to go on another second, another mile, another night.

I've seen places so beautiful even Wordsworth, Donne or Dylan Thomas wouldn't have been able to describe them if they'd had Will Shakespeare as a co-writer.

I have gone through hell, loneliness and sorrow, joy, elation and an undeniable closeness to something larger than this World all in the space of a 15 hour road trip alone in my car.

I have dedicated myself to learning as much about this planet and the people who have lived upon it with a vigor I never knew I possessed.

Through it all I have been alive.

I desperately hope to continue as such.

But that is all I will say about it for now.

Goodbye September. Thank you for treading so lightly on my little existence.

I hope to welcome a hundred more of you. But whatever number I get to see I yearn only that I can accept my fate with a dignity befitting the men and women who did not make it this far.

Because I need to honor every day the people who did not get to join me here at five years out.

You were the brave ones.

So I will try to live my life in a manner befitting the days I have been blessed with.

It won't be easy. Rather it is a nigh impossible task.

Because how do you do it? How do you possibly pay back the Universe for sparing you?

How do you ever live fully and completely enough to make it all make sense?

I have no idea but for now I know one more thing - I shall have the opportunity to try.

FDR, George W. Bush and the Lure of Authoritarianism

2009-01-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

It was early 1933.

FDR was set to take office in March.

The country was in dire condition (worse than now if you can believe it).

People were panicked, scared. A persistent fear akin to the days immediately post 9-11 only on a deeper, more desperate and fundamental level.

The future of everything was up for grabs.

You must remember the context...

Banks were failing everywhere. Some hadn't been open for months. The ones that did open their doors risked being wiped out in a day by depositors withdrawing all their money immediately.

Unemployment was 25%. Only 50% of the country had a full-time job.

We were an agrarian society who at this time had no market for our crops. Europe had crawled out of the wreckage of WWI and was no longer importing our food. This caused the bottom to drop out of the price of everything you could possibly grow and family farms were being foreclosed on at a breakneck pace.

Capitalism was perhaps in it's death throes and other options were seriously being considered.

This may sound crazy to the modern ear but in the 1930's Fascism was still fashionable.

People admired Mussolini because of Italy's high employment rate.

People admired the Soviet Union because it too had a high employment rate.

Italy and Russia seemed to be worker's paradises where if a man wanted to labor for his daily bread he was guaranteed to get it. The same could not be said for America.

Make no mistake - the future of democracy was in doubt.

FDR knew the stakes. When told that if he succeeded in rescuing the country he'd be the greatest President in history he remarked that if he failed he would most certainly be it's last.

At this time many newspapers, intelligentsia, cultural elite and just regular ol' American folk wanted, perhaps even yearned and hoped for a dictator. They desired a strongman to lift us out of the miasma we were in without any bureaucratic dilly-dallying.

Just do something, anything they were pleading of their leaders. Yet their leaders remained motionless, as frozen with panic as the people they claimed to represent.

Everything seemed to be falling apart...

So when Roosevelt was inaugurated that March of '33 he had the public support to take his role as a strongman, as a leader of unlimited authority whom no one dared refuse. He might have been our Caesar, our end of the Republic if he so desired. He could have had it all.

But he chose not to go down that road. He did not work outside the Constitution. He worked with Congress. He took his time and broke no laws.

He harkened back to the tradition of George Washington. An American man offered almost unlimited authority who instead chooses to lay down his sword and work within the existing structures to accomplish what must be accomplished no matter how hard.

So how did FDR's decision to preserve democracy play out? Did he make the right choice in turning his back to the siren song of unrestrained power?

I believe you know the answer to that.

The US government still exists in the same checked and balanced form it did before he took office. We do not live in a dictatorship and capitalism still creeks along - aging, changed in it's form but viable nonetheless.

We did not go the way of Europe in the 30's, rather Europe has gone the way of us. There is trade, a healthy interdependence and freedom across most of that continent.

Had FDR made a different choice I wonder what the World would look like now?

Roosevelt's most famous aphorism is without a doubt that great line from his first inaugural address, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Contrast this with George W. Bush who has tried to keep us as scared as possible for eight long years.

Bush used a single (admittedly horrific) act of terror on our soil to declare that we were in a state of permanent war.

He used it to win reelection by declaring terror alerts every time Kerry got close in the polls.

He used it as a rationale for spying on Americans without warrants, to destroy political enemies and whistleblowers (Valerie Plame).

He used it as an excuse to wage an unnecessary war in Iraq that has bankrupted us.

He repeatedly used patriotism as a bludgeon against those who would thwart his authoritarian ambition as America's "decider" in Chief.

In the carrying forth of this last action I think he accomplished his most egregious (perhaps unintentional) goal - he has managed to confuse nationalism with patriotism in the minds of many an American.

Nationalism is not patriotism.

Ask the the innocents in Nazi Germany who decided not to join Hitler if I'm right about that. If you can find one who wasn't executed I'm sure they'll back me up.

This is very simple, actually.

To quote Mark Twain, "Patriotism is supporting your country all of the time and your government when it deserves it."

Therefore dissent is not treason or even dangerous.

Rather it is necessary for a healthy republic to survive. Democracy should be noisome, boisterous and messy.

If it is not your country is in more trouble than you can imagine.

By drumming up a "support your country at all costs" attitude to a fever pitch Bush ironically brought our nation - this supposed beacon of freedom - closer to the mindset of the totalitarian regimes of Mussolini's Italy, Stalin's Russia and Hitler's Germany than any previous Chief Executive.

Don't mistake me, I'm not comparing Bush to those men. That is reductive. He is far less dangerous than them - in the main because our Constitution thankfully requires a peaceful change of power every eight years.

No I'm comparing the role his fear-mongering, power-grabbing actions have played in harming our national psyche to the similar deleterious effects those 20th century leader's actions had on the minds of their respective countrymen.

So what, finally has all this wrought?

What has Bush's "strong leader" style of rule brought us? What has fear and nothing but fear given to this country as a lasting legacy?

Bush now ends his Presidency with our nation in the midst of the greatest economic crisis since 1933.

Have we come full circle or what?

I think to show we have learned a lesson from all of this our new mantra for the 21st century should be, "We have nothing to fear, no matter what your government tries to tell you."

Perhaps this will serve to remind us (and Obama) that this country was once populated by men who were offered great, almost unlimited power and who had the strength of character, the fortitude and the wisdom to turn it down.

How very American that idea seems to me at this moment.

How Gay is This?

2009-01-07T23:22:00.001-08:00

Obama's invitation to Rick "Homos are the same as pedophiles" Warren to perform the invocation at his inauguration is indefensible.

I feel betrayed and embittered.

I feel disappointed and discouraged.

I feel like someone invited my worst enemy to a celebration I've longed for my whole life.

Talking to my fellow Obama supporters I'm getting the same feedback from them.

Contributing most of all to our collective migraine over this affair I believe are the multitudinous ironies involved, almost all of which are seemingly, ubelievably unintentional.

I mean for Christ's sake - we're liberals. Obama's gang is a team of liberals (I'm hoping?). We're supposed to do intentional irony, not unintentional. That's what the GOP does when they rail about declining morals and get caught the next day with a hooker under their desk sucking the family values out of them.

We're supposed to be smarter, dare I say snarkier than all of this messy business. Yet Obama seems to be willfully oblivious to how he has allowed cynicism's ugly shadow to loom behind what should be the most optimistic American day in a generation.

Let's have an irony run-down, shall we?

First and foremost there is the irony of the guy in this beefcake photo being super-friendly with a homophobe. Because if this picture were any gayer it would be blowing George Michael in a public bathroom.

Second and more tragically there is the enormous irony of a bigot being invited anywhere near the inauguration of our first African-American President.

Call me crazy but I think the first black President's swearing in ceremony should be a bigotry free zone. Don't know why but that just makes some sort of cosmic sense to me being that African-Americans have historically been the most oppressed minority in the USA.

Third, for the life of me I cannot figure out why there is a prayer allowed anywhere near the swearing in of someone for what is Constitutionally a secular office.

Folks it is a fact that there was no publicly sanctioned invocation at any inaugural until 1933 which means we swore in 31 Presidents (including Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln) without so much as one shouted "hallelujah" or muttered "amen".

Well it seems to me the country hummed along just fine unless you want to somehow blame the Civil War on a dearth of inaugural God talkin'.

There is also a "benediction" to be given. A fricking benediction? OK, are we at a church service now or a secular, civic ritual? What's next? Will we all be asked to sing along with the new "National Hym"?

I'm getting confused and I bet the rest of the people who believe in the Jeffersonian "wall of separation of church and state" are too.

To quote the First Amendment, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion..."

By having a Christian prayer are we not thereby governmentally endorsing Christianity as our state religion?

Don't think so? How would you feel if there was a Muslim Imam praying instead of a pastor?

I rest my case.

You see I believe what happens between a man and his God, lack of Gods, or 457 Gods is between him and whatever he believes or doesn't believe in. However this has no place in the public square and the laws of this land would back me up.

So as an agnostic I find it frustrating that there is an official prayer at the swearing in of the most powerful secular office-holder in the country.

I suppose it raises the question though - are things so bad now we that we have been reduced to publicly abdicating responsibility for our future and instead begging an imaginary man in the sky to bless us with 8 years of prosperity?

Why don't we just do a fucking rain dance while we're at it?

The point is we are not a "christian nation" and any public official who leads us down that slippery slope even one inch by lending tacit credibility to this repeatedly debunked notion is playing a most dangerous game.

Fourth and finally - Obama has praised Rick Warren's AIDS work in Africa over and over as justification for his presence.

Yet Warren has aligned himself resolutely and repeatedly with a condom burning, witch-hunting pastor in Uganda (Martin Ssempe) who believes homosexuality should be criminalized!

Substitute the word "Jew" for homosexuality in that last sentence and you'll begin to understand how repellent Warren's associations are because make no mistake - Ssempe wants to purge gay people from Ugandan society the same way Hitler wanted to rid Germany of "the Jewish Menace."

That is hatred of an unconscionable measure and Obama should disavow Warren immediately for this connection alone.

By the way, since the born-again Christian First Lady of Uganda basically gave the reins of the country's anti-AIDS program to Ssempe the infection rate there has shot up there by an average of 7 percent. So instead of Rick Warren helping the AIDS problem in Africa (Obama's ancestral homeland!!) he is in fact making it far, far worse by pushing ineffective abstinence-only programs and encouraging discrimination against homosexuals.

In fact with his hateful rhetoric and associations one could very easily say Warren is encouraging violence against homosexuals, especially in African countries where the idea of masculinity is supreme and where the weak and the minority are not always guaranteed liberty or protection.

I could go on and on however I am going to try to go to bed and forget that this is happening.

But I do desperately hope that Obama's office and staff are flooded with enough emails and phone calls so that we never have to see anything like this from him again.

Unless of course it's in another four years and the economy is rocking. Then all will be forgiven because as Obama obviously thinks, hey, they're just queers. Nobody cares about them anyway, right?

Right?

Wrong.

The Biggest (A)-Hole In Our Constitution

2008-11-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

I have heard Antonin Scalia talk about his judicial philosophy many times, most recently on a 60 Minutes segment.

He is a slippery and charming bastard who often refers to himself as an "Originalist" who is an opponent of the idea of a "living constitution."

Which makes me wonder if the Constitution is in his mind dead.

It also makes me wonder if this "Originalist" has ever read about the origins of the Bill of Rights.

It is a fact lost to most Americans today but the Constitution was originally ratified without those famous first ten Amendments.

This was because many Founders (especially the Federalists like Hamilton) were concerned that the act of enumerating certain rights in the Constitution could later be misconstrued as implying that whatever rights they had not specified, singled out or mentioned did not exist. In other words - if a certain right isn't specifically defined in the document then you don't have it.

Like the right to breathe. Or the right to take a walk on a sunny day. Or the right to annoyingly baby talk to your cat.

They preferred the English Common Law system which doesn't define or quantify certain rights but rather accepts them as rational, commonsense and tacitly understood.

(Side Note - you'd have to go back to Henry II to understand the English system's evolution and how it works but to give you an idea in England even the killing of someone in cold blood isn't defined specifically as a crime. This either shows us how effective common law is or how polite the English are that they don't need a law to say murder is wrong. It's just understood to be rude and not terribly helpful.)

Now you'd have to be a real A-hole to interpret the Constitution in such a narrow minded, limited and nitpicky capacity, to actually argue that any right not spelled out does not exist.

I mean really, it would take an A-hole of almost gravity-defying proportion to think along these lines. You'd almost have to be an A-hole so big and so dense you were in danger of collapsing in on yourself like a dying star.

But the Founders were very shrewd and they knew that while history has shown us from time to time we may have droughts, famine or even a dearth of brave and ingenious men, there is never, ever a shortage of assholes.

So because of these fears the Bill of Rights wasn't actually passed until 1791, the third year of Washington's first term.

It was the fulfillment of a promise the founders had to make to the states to get them to ratify the Constitution and centralize authority to the degree that the Federalists were proposing.

Because in order to accept such a radical rethinking (actually a complete overhaul) of the Articles of Confederation the states had exacted promises that a Bill of Rights must be added and added in short order.

In fact Thomas Jefferson wrote a scathing letter to his protege James Madison (who is considered by many to be the father of the Constitution) about the lack of inclusion of a Bill of Rights.

Eventually it became clear to everyone it was either add a Bill of Rights or no dice on the Constitution making it in the long haul.

So Madison, working as a member of the House of Representatives from Virginia pushed through what eventually became our first 10 Amendments - freedom of speech, freedom of the press, separation of Church and State, the right to bear arms and so on.

Therfore from its very inception the Constitution was already a living document.

This still left the aforementioned problem. The idea that any right not spelled out did not exist.

This was solved rather easily by the clever Ninth Amendment which reads, "The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people."

So case closed, right?

Wrong. Enter Antonin Scalia.

His "Originalist" philosophy is exactly what the founding fathers were afraid of.

Contrary to everything history has taught us about the constitution being a living document he sees it as a deceased one, incapable of change no matter what technological, generational or moral evolutions occur in this country.

According to him we must abide by exactly what was laid down by the Founders in the summer of 1887.

Case closed.

This is so contrary to what the Founders intended it should be laughable.

Obviously the Constitution is a living, vibrant document that must, has to change with society.

About this idea Jefferson once said, "... as we grow older, as a republic you cannot expect a man to wear a boy's jacket."

What a wonderfully succinct way to put it. Expecting today's society to be ruled by something 18th century men thought up is obviously (excuse the continuation of the metaphor) a poor fit.

In fact, the meager 27 amendments we have added in 200 plus years would probably be rather horrifying to Jefferson. He would most likely have expected hundreds by now.

He was actually for holding a new Constitutional Convention every 30 years because to paraphrase him - the earth belongs to the living.

In my mind there is no greater argument for a living constitution than what I have just laid out.

However Scalia refuses to see it as thus and governs as if he were a Justice in 1808 instead of 2008.

This brings me to my final point and what I feel should be the 28th Amendment to the Constitution.

Supreme court appointments should no longer be lifetime. People live too long for this to make sense anymore.

We must accept that when the Constitution was written a man was exceedingly lucky to live to 40. Now we are faced with a Chief Justice and other Justices who will be on the court until they die in their 70's or 80's, long after their mental capacity has diminished and long after they have the right to rule for a much younger populace.

We should shorten their term to 15-20 years. This would rid us of the burden of 80 year-olds making decisions that affect all of us long after they are dead.

This would also hopefully ensure a modern understanding of today's society is and would always be reflected by the court.

As a bonus it would also mean it's time for Scalia to retire (and Clarence Thomas).

In my mind that makes the argument - you guessed it - case closed.

A Promise Fulfilled

2008-11-06T20:59:00.000-08:00

Thomas Jefferson, a slave owner, wrote this in a hot Philadelphia boarding room 232 years ago.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal..."

You know the rest. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness - a greatest hits of enlightenment principles cribbed brilliantly from John Locke and others.

We call it the "Declaration of Independence".

But in point of fact it was more than just a simple declaration.

It was a challenge.

It was a challenge from the New World to the Old which said loudly and clearly that the class system, the entrenched aristocratic order, the lack of opportunity for the ordinary man which had persisted for centuries in Europe would not cross the Atlantic with the colonists.

That challenge was the beginning of America.

However this beautiful, lyrical assertion of equality was to be followed by over 100 years of slavery, segregation, lynchings, voter suppression, discrimination and other wrongs that continued well into my lifetime.

It was to say the least, a good idea delayed.

But last Tuesday something happened.

Last Tuesday that aged, (some would say withering) 200 years long promise of equality was finally, resoundingly kept.

I will never, ever forget where I was nor the size of the lump in my throat when I heard the announcer say, "This just in, Barack Obama is now the next President of the United States."

Barack Obama is of course an African-American man.

I did not vote for him because he was such nor do I think did most people (which may say more about how far we've come than anything).

No I voted for him for a myriad of reasons - because I got the sense he understands profoundly the deep problems this country is facing, because he seems to be a man of action and yet also quiet thoughtfulness and unhurried deliberation. Because he appears to be possessed of both the political genius to win a campaign and more importantly the unwavering determination to bring people together once the campaign is over.

I voted for him most of all because I believe I glimpsed in him that rare, Lincoln-esque combination of characteristics so often diametrically opposed to each other - great confidence mixed with even greater humility.

But I cannot deny that in the aftermath of November 4th the fact that he we have finally elected an African-American as President has magnified my esteem and pride for this country tenfold.

Because now and for all time we have shown the World that indeed we meant and still mean what was written in that hopeful declaration those many years ago.

Thomas Jefferson is perhaps still most famous for his authorship of that document. Yet when he lived he was known for many things.

For being an incredible writer, a tremendous thinker and most of all an inveterate, incurable optimist.

He was known for his unceasing belief that man is good, that given the right set of circumstances and opportunities a utopian, truly egalitarian society could emerge from the wilderness that was America in 1776.

He was called naive and a dreamer in his day because he dared posit that we could someday establish a more perfect union where no matter how high or low-born one might be they would still have the chance to be something, to be someone, to make a difference, to reach their highest potential for mankind.

I see Obama as proof that Jefferson was right.

It's Here!

2008-11-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

Election day is here. As I write this I'm at the Minneapolis airport in transit between NYC and Seattle.

We will hopefully know where this thing is headed by 4:30 Pacific time.

Right now I'm alternating back in forth between feeling confident that my guy (Obama) will win and being riddled with unbearable anxiety.

I even tried to go over to the Larry Craig bathroom and get a blow job to release some pent up angst but I couldn't find the stupid terminal.

Why am I so nervous?

Because I truly believe a McCain victory would be the death knell for the American middle class.

Also I'm scared his Supreme Court Justice appointments would tilt this country so far to the right I wouldn't be able to recognize it again in my lifetime.

Elections are odd things.

I never feel so powerful and yet so powerless as I do on this day.

Last time I was ebullient early, then filled with disbelief and finally resignation as the night wore on.

This time I hope to be exceedingly, obnoxiously gleeful both early, often and late.

We shall see.

At any rate, the momentary thrill I get casting my ballot makes it all worth it.

I am always filled with pride and thankfulness that I'm a citizen of this country every single time I do it.

We were the first nation, the first people to posit the theory that man was capable of rational self-government.

That Democracy did not necessarily lead to devolution into mob rule.

Europe laughed at us when we began this experiment all those years ago.

But we believed that man was not born beastly in his nature, but is kind, thoughtful and capable of perfection.

Let's hope we prove ourselves right.

ATTENTION WHITE PEOPLE

2008-11-03T18:28:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama's First Five Initiatives

(According to an email I just got from the GOP)

1. ATTENTION WHITE PEOPLE

You have 24 hours to turn over your property to the government.

This includes any and all jewelry, electronics and personal items worth over 2 dollars American.

You are allowed to keep one toothbrush per family.

2. ATTENTION WHITE PEOPLE

Square Dancing is now a crime and will result in a $500 fine per do-si-do.

The Charleston, the Cha-Cha and the Quick Step have also been suspended pending further review.

3. ATTENTION WHITE PEOPLE

In order to make-up for slavery you are now required to do one chore per week for a black person.

Your black chore-master will be assigned on a random basis via lottery on January 21, 2009.

Chores will begin Wednesday of the following week.

4. ATTENTION WHITE PEOPLE

Unless you can backwards tomahawk dunk, playing Basketball is now a Class A Misdemeanor.

This means you, Steve Nash.

5. ATTENTION WHITE PEOPLE

You no longer have a “black friend.”

So stop calling and inviting him to play Squash, watch Jude Law movies and other lame white people shit.

He will contact you when the need arises as you are now his "white friend."

Prayer for the Innocent Dead

2008-11-02T11:24:00.000-08:00

Here's a few lines from Dylan Thomas' poem "Ceremony After a Fire Raid".

I saw them on the wall at the British Imperial War Museum.

Myselves
The grievers
Grieve
Among the street burned to tireless death
A child of a few hours
With its kneading mouth
Charred on the black breast of the grave
The mother dug, and its arms full of fires.

This was written in the wake of the German bombings during the Battle of Britain.

It gave me the strongest sense of what an average English citizen must have felt in those bleakest of days.

I suppose (and I can only guess) it must have seemed as though hell was not below them but somehow above, pouring hatred and loss upon all those who were innocent and familiar.

What feeling of powerlessness, what sense of weakness, what unending fear must it have extracted from their souls?

Then when all was said and done, when the sky was quiet and the earth still, what final numbness must it have left them with?

The senselessness of it all, the pulverizing effect on the psyche must have been the worst.

Again I'm only guessing but that's what I get from the poem.

Because it reads to me like a man unable to mourn or wail yet again, so as a writer he can only describe what he sees.

Unemotional but evocative.

His description of death as tireless is the most striking and telling part of the stanza.

It paints a picture of annihilation as a daily visitor, a commonplace thing.

Mundane like the garbageman or letter-carrier yet also powerful as a God, unstoppable, superhuman and most of all unceasing.

I sense he is describing something that was beyond their ability to withstand anymore.

It reminded me of 9-11 and the horror of that morning.

Then because I am human first and American second, it made me think of what our (accidental?) bombing of civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan has wrought on the ordinary people of those countries.

I can imagine a beautiful poem about it will be written in their language someday.

I look forward to reading it then.

But for now I look forward to the end of bombing.

Everywhere.

Congrats! I'm Expecting!!!

2008-10-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, we all are.

All of us who have waited for our beloved country to lurch back towards the left.

Or towards what would ostensibly, realistically and fairly be called the new center.

Because let's be honest. It ain't like we're gonna be moving FAR SOVIET UNION LEFT into some kind of totalitarian nightmare where we're on camera all the time, wearing drab uniforms, walking around like the living dead and subsisting on a diet of gruel.

That's for Wal-Mart employees.

But we're expecting that things will change. That much is certain. The question is...

How fast?

Are my expectations for immediate universal health care, a non-imperialist foreign policy, serious alternative energy initiatives and the dismantling of the military industrial complex too much to hope for?

Probably.

A more apt question might be does this moment, this death knell for Reaganomics precipitate disaster (as my conservative friends would have me believe) or does it precipitate a new era of peace and prosperity for the middle class?

Will it be kinda like the 50's only without the the ass-backwards social mores?

I hope it will. I think we all do. Even Joe the Plumber.

But I do also believe that I and my left of center friends are in for some frustrating times.

Because we're not gonna get all we want when we want it. It doesn't work like that.

The ship of state turns around like a giant cruise-liner. You can't feel it, you have to look at the horizon to even know you're turning.

Because (other than the Civil War and the American Revolution) change is always incremental.

So I urge patience. Patience to all.

As the Reverend King said, "... the moral arc of the universe is long but it bends towards justice."

Look where we were at the beginning of the 20th century in regards to segregation, worker's rights, women's rights (they couldn't even vote), child labor laws, etc. and so on in a never ending list of things that would seem repulsive and obviously wrong to us today.

We have indeed made great strides, both moral, technological and financial in the last 108 years.

Yet...

We live at a time of great peril. Peril of our own making. We use too much of the World's natural resources. We have embraced corporate fascism and all the low-low price bargains it can bring. We have outsourced our entire manufacturing sector and are enjoying the fruits of de facto off-shore slavery.

We make nothing. We consume everything.

Yet if we are willing to embrace a few changes we can save this Nation from self-immolation. We need humility. We need compassion for our fellow countrymen. We need to pour every resource and tool we have into educating the next generation of Americans. We need our corporations to be patriotic in their decision making, whether it be the decision to keep jobs here, or the decision to treat employees fairly and reward the dignity of work with a living wage.

Most of all we need to become a self-sufficient republic, not the imperialist, expansionist world police force we believe ourselves to be.

That last sentence is especially important. Because if we want to heal the World we could not do much better than to follow the advice of Jesus who said quite succinctly, "Physician heal thyself."

I hope we do heal.

But I know that it takes time. I know some of you will give up.

I won't. I'm in this for the long haul, watching the horizon slowly drift past.

Join me on the deck, won't you?

Crises, Economic and Personal

2008-10-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

So Obama may win. Good.

I said he "may" win because 13 years in show business has taught me nothing is final until the contract is signed and your lawyer is paid.

I just want it to be over. I can't stand the coarse nature of the political discourse in this country anymore. Plus stress-wise this has been like game 7 of the NBA Finals for like 2 years.

Nationally everything sucks right now. Clubs going out of business right and left, no one with money to spend on entertainment... and trust me folks, we have not even begun to make out the beginning of the murky depths of the bottom of this crisis.

Things will be bad for a long time before they are finally mediocre and then someday, hopefully tolerable.

I'm flying across the country to be with my girlfriend on election day. That's how much this whole shebang means to me. I want to be with someone I dearly love when the elephant hits the mat, when Reaganomics finally implodes upon itself in a shitstorm of plummeting home values and socialization of banks.

I only wish Milton Friedman and Ronnie himself were alive to see what the free market hath wrought.

I thought it was telling when Alan Greenspan said the other day that he thought the banks would "police themselves."

This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt ol' Alan is an ivory tower math nerd with no understanding of human behavior.

Let me ask you this, Alan - are societys capable of policing themselves or do they, not to be redundant, need a "police" force to keep the peace and make sure everyone stays in some semblance of order?

Why should a financial institution, an organism made up of humans, be any different than regular humans?

People require regulation, laws and enforceable agreed upon rules to live by.

I believe, like Jefferson, in the perfectibility of man. Unfortunately we live in a Hamiltonian world of cut-throat capitalism.

Therefore and forever we require laws. No one, no individual, no institution, no political body, no politburo, no stock exchange, no police force even, is capable of self-regulation.

On a personal note I'm really, really fucking tired of doing stand-up.

I don't do drugs (save the occasional Xanax), I don't drink and I don't try to fuck young, middle aged, or older women.

Why?

"I'm too old for that shit," to paraphrase Danny Glover.

Drugs and drink suck. Or at least I do when I'm on them.

As for random sex well I'm in love with a terrific woman and even if I wasn't anonymous sex is about as appealing to me as a Bon Jovi concert.

I guess you just outgrow some things. Like fucking strangers and listening to Metallica records.

Also there's just a really fine line that I crossed a few years ago that separates doing something really fun and being a pathetic old bag of intoxicated bones making advances towards people born in the 80's.

I think I'm just tired from a mini-tour of the UK then a flight back to Seattle then a two day turnaround and another trip to the midwest to do the Bloomington Funny Bone.

Great club, nice people. But I was tired. Tired of audiences. I can't feel their laughter anymore.

It used to feel like Heroin or a snorted Xanax when they would laugh. Now it feels like nothing.

Like having sex with someone you've fallen out of love with. Like a duty, a job, a fucking grind.

I'm sure this will all get better in a few days and I'll rediscover my zest for my art.

Sometimes I just wish I could be like a band and take off 5 years between albums and tours.

Wah wah wah. I asked for my dream job and I got it. So stop bitching, Kent. You could still be hocking treadmills to overly-tanned bitches in the Valley.

Instead you have random drunks coming up to you, slapping you on the back and telling you, "that was fucking, funny as shit dude."

It could be worse...

Now You're REALLY Dating Yourself, McFederalist

2008-10-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

Again Orwell screams at me from the pages of 1984...

"He who controls the past controls the future."

Because last night John McCain tried to rewrite basic American history again when he said this about Roe V. Wade, "I thought it was a bad decision. I think there were a lot of decisions that were bad. I think that decisions should rest in the hands of the states. I'm a Federalist."

I'm having a fucking breakdown. I happen to be a lowly 34 year-old middle of the road stand-up comic and I know what a Federalist was.

But apparently John Sidney McCain, the 72 year-old would be President and current senior Senator from Arizona does not.

I guess he really did skip a lot of classes at the Naval Academy.

Either that or he's trying to change the meaning of the word Federalist COMPLETELY.

See folks the Federalists were a political party, the first political party in the history of the United States.

They held control of the Federal Government for 12 years until 1801 when Thomas Jefferson's Democratic Republicans took over in what what many call the second American revolution.

Their most famous members included such unknowns as George fucking Washington, Alexander fucking Hamilton (the first Secretary of the Treasury) and John fucking Adams (the first Vice-President and second president) among others.

John McCain should probably know this. We're not exactly talking McKinley here. This is common knowledge sheeyat.

The Federalists believed in a strong central government. The idea is sort of implicit in the name - FEDERALIST.

Especially Hamilton who was the intellectual engine behind the movement.

To use McCain-ese, my friends, Hamilton was a great American who along with James Madison and John Jay wrote many of the Federalist Papers which helped convince the country to ratify the Constitution in 1887.

He came up with the idea of a National Bank and a unified currency throughout the states. He nationalized the war debt in exchange for putting the capitol in Virginia.

Above all....

HE WANTED A STRONG CENTRAL GOVERNMENT.

He did not want decisions left to the states. He was for union uber alles.

So again I am faced with deciding if McCain is either lying or stupid.

Again I ask - which is worse?

Oh well, who cares. He will lose and soon be relegated to the pages of history with Adlai Stevenson, Hubert Humphrey and William Howard Taft.

Goodbye, McKnow nothing. It was nice knowing you and knowing more than you.

700 Billion Worth of Prozac

2008-09-24T13:23:00.001-07:00

I need a drink.

Because as a tax-payer I guess it's now my job to ward off the Great Depression.

Or as I call it, the deregula-pression.

Because this economic shit-storm is absolutely the result of deregulation.

See before the GOP got their greedy little hands on government there were a few teensy safeguards against this kind of thing.

They were called "regulations".

But the Republicans have adamantly insisted we must "reduce the size of government!"

Which is code for, "throw out all regulations on business, no matter how sensible or necessary!".

This ironically has led to a bigger government than we ever dreamed of in the form of a 700 billion dollar bail/buy-out.

Maybe this shows us that people who don't believe in government shouldn't be running the government.

Even more ironically this rampant, rapacious, unfettered capitalism has now become socialism of the worst kind.

Because we are socializing ownership of failing mortgage and insurance companies, banks and other financial institutions.

In other words we are socializing risks (for fat-cats) and privatizing profits.

So when everything is riding high it's, "Hey, get the government out of the way!" but when it all goes to shit it's, "Um, do you have 700 billion I could borrow?".

My answer to them is the same I used to give to the crack addicts outside my apartment in Hollywood every night.

"Fuck off and get a real job."

Folks it's hard to sum up all the factors that have lead us exactly to where we are today.

But I can try.

Here's my take and I'll try and keep it as simple as possible.

First the laws on credit were relaxed to a point where anybody could get a loan.

ANYBODY.

Interest rates were also kept artificially low (paging Mr. Greenspan) to ward off inflation.

This facilitated the handing out of risky loans to risky people.

Second the Glass-Steagall act of 1933 was repealed by the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act of 1999. The former prevented banks from offering investment, commercial banking, and insurance services all at once. The latter allowed them to consolidate into a single institution.

Basically it allowed them to take FDIC insured deposits and then speculate with that money.

Your money.

As of 1999 they could now take your hard-earned $ and not only hand out risky mortgages, they could also buy risky mortgage securities and then insure other risky mortgages, thus taking insurance premiums every month and hoping the piper never had to be paid.

Does that sound like three times the risk to you? Well it is.

All with your $.

Folks this is what we call deregulation. This is what we call a bad idea.

For this brilliant change in law you can thank Phil Gramm - McCain's chief economic advisor.

I'd blame Clinton too but he was facing a veto-proof majority in the Senate so what option did he have?

All of this eventually led to a housing boom in which the market was artificially inflated by speculators flipping houses for huge profits in an artificially short period of time.

This also led to lower-level mortgage salesmen and re-fi shysters getting people approved for mortgages they couldn't afford by telling them that surely they'd be able to re-fi when the time came because the market would obviously keep going up and up and up in an artificially short period of time and their house would be surely be worth more than when they bought it in an artificially short period of time.

The mortgage companies and banks then took these bad loans and did two things.

First they repackaged them as securities to sell on Wall Street (thus the downfall of Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch, etc.).

Second they insured them with folks like AIG who kept on insuring them because they thought, "Hey, these premiums are free money because of course houses will keep going up in value in an artificially short period of time.

Since the debt to asset ratio of 15 to 1 had been removed (by more awesome deregulation!) this was all possible.

See you no longer had to have a reasonable amount of capital no matter how much debt you took on.

This model of profit-making was all predicated on one thing - PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T AFFORD THEIR MORTGAGE WOULD SOMEHOW BE ABLE TO AFFORD THEIR MORTGAGE.

If that sounds shifty to you that's because it is.

Essentially the banks, the re-fi people and such all gambled that the value of homes would keep going up forever thus allowing people to refinance every few years or whenever interest rates were raised.

Goodbye old model of buying a home you can afford and living in it for 30 years.

Hello buying a house out of your means in the hope you will be able to re-fi and re-fi and re-fi again!

Hello buying a house on an interest-only loan and selling it for a 100K profit in three months!

Obviously this had to come to an end.

It has.

Now they want 700 billion to bail them out.

I don't want to give it to them because, hey, this is the free market at work.

Also I'm in Vegas right now. If I put my life savings on one hand of blackjack and lose should I expect the government to help me?

Of course not. Because I'm gambling and that's all Wall Street really is.

Gambling with a nice suit on.

I don't know if denying a bail-out will lead to another depression or not.

All I know is my parents are probably going to move in with me.

Which means we'll all be living in a Honda Civic Hybrid.

Anybody got a Xanax?

Obama Wants to Teach 5 Year-Olds How to F**k

2008-09-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, kids, "H" is for herpes!!!

So Obama, when he was in the state legislatiure in Illinois, voted in committee to teach age-appropriate sex-ed to kindergartners.

Which basically would have involved giving them lessons on what was inappropriate touching and how to avoid sexual predators.

Now the McCain campaign is running an ad that basically accuses Obama of wanting to teach little kids how to fuck.

Don't believe me? Watch this...

This is of course easily debunkable...

Debunking link! Read Here!

So much for the honorable straight talkin' flyboy Johnny McCain.

What we've got now is a pol who's sucking so hard on demon dick you're gonna need pliars to get his dentures off when he's done.

Which, going on the tenor of his campaign so far should be right around November 5 when he's (hopefully) giving his concession speech while simultaneously gargling Listerine in a vain attempt to get the taste of devil semen out of his old, lying mouth.

Family is Frustrating

2008-09-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

I have a family problem.

Without naming names...

One of my female family members won't vote for Obama because, as she says "He's a muslim."

This is easily disprovable but she refuses to look into it.

A male family member is Catholic and pro-life so he won't vote for Obama either.

Of course he ignores the fact that the Pope is virulently against the Iraq war and the death penalty.

2 things John McCain is a cheerleader for.

So apparently my misguided relative thinks it's OK to kill babies as long as they're inside the bodies of living Iraqi women.

BTW - he also thinks that the Democrats sabotaged Sarah Palin's teleprompter during her speech at the RNC.

And no, he's not on crystal meth.

That I know of.

See it wouldn't bother me if my family folk opposed Obama based on even the tiniest grain of truth or perhaps a thoughtful dissent involving policy.

But they don't. They buy into the Hannity, Limbaugh, GOP lie machine without using the critical thinking skills I am so sure they possess.

These thoughts by my kin strike me as close-minded, ignorant and less than vaguely racist.

I can't be friends with people like that anymore, no matter how much DNA we share.

I can't hang out with people who put all their faith in Jesus and not in facts.

I just don't have anything in common with them other than we sort of look alike.

Bummer.

Country First?

2008-09-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

John McCain might die.

He is 72 and a four time cancer survivor.

There is a real chance he could be incapacitated in some manner causing (gulp!) Sarah Palin to become acting President of the United States.

Or as the job is otherwise known - THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE FREE WORLD.

As I've been reading, listening, watching and learning about Governor Palin this prospect becomes increasingly frightening.

It is also becomes increasingly obvious that McCain made a nakedly political choice when he picked Palin to be his running mate.

Because Palin is a an early Christmas gift to the hard right, bible-thumping, rapture-believing section of the GOP.

They love that she thinks Iraq is a mission from God (what is she, a Blues Brother?) and that she wants a woman who is raped and becomes pregnant to be forced to carry her rapist's child in her belly for 9 months.

They don't care that she is clearly not up to speed on national or international issues. They don't care that in a crashing economy she doesn't realize Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are public institutions. They just care that she is waaay into automatic weapons and rape-spawned fetuses.

So much for putting country first, John. This time country finished a few laps behind winning.

If McCain wanted to pick a woman he could have picked Kay Bailey Hutchison or Olympia Snow or Condoleeza Rice. All women who are much more qualified than Palin.

But he didn't.

I find it ironic that for the last 4 months McCain has been saying Obama is "not ready to lead" over and over and over.

But now he nominates a woman who has a resume thinner than Kate Moss.

So for the last 4 months McCain's campaign either didn't mean what they said or they were lying.

How can I tell the Palin pick wouldn't hold up to serious scrutiny you may ask?

Simple. Watch the way the McCain campaign is handling her.

They are in the process of managing Palin's rollout with the kind of thoughtfulness you wish they had put into the decision to go to war in Iraq.

She has been cut off from the kind of press conferences, Sunday morning talk-show appearances and other interviews that all candidates for Veep have been subjected to since the advent of Television.

She has agreed to only two interviews. Two! How many has Biden done? Hell Obama eveen went on the O'Reilly Factor! Do you think Palin or McCain will go on Countdown with Keith Olbermann any time soon?

Hell no.

Palin has been so shut off from any kind of spontaneous media contact you'd think she was a member of a jury in a high-profile murder case instead of a candidate for Vice President.

So why do it? Why would the McCain camp need to protect her from the media if she was truly qualified? Why would they keep her behind a curtain of silence and safety if she knew her stuff?

The answer is she has been sequestered because she knows jack-shit about national issues.

Think about it.

That's why the Charlie Gibson interview took place over a series of days in Palin's hometown.

Because they wanted to turn what should have been an in-depth discussion of policy into a "personality profile".

My God, what would happen if she had to go on Meet the Press or Face the Nation?

She would look like a fool. She came across as a fool half the time when Gibson lobbed her softballs.

Actually Gibson did better than I thought he would. I give him a B minus.

Highlights of the piece included her not knowing what the Bush Doctrine was and segueing the question about her national security credentials into a diatribe about how she knows energy.

Yeah, news flash. It's not hard to be an energy expert in Alaska since the oil is everywhere and also state-owned.

What that has to do with the Iraq war, Iranian nuclear ambitions or a resurgent Russia I'm not sure but it's the answer she gave.

Also she repeated the ridiculous line that she has foreign policy cred because "Alaska is close to Russia." In fact according to her you can "see Russian territory" from Alaska.

Awesome. I can see a bathroom from where I'm sitting right now. Does that make me a proctologist?

When she said that I simultaneously laughed, wept, then screamed "you stupid whore" at the top of my lungs and threw a bunch of shit at the TV.

So you can't say she's not an inspiring speaker!

Folks, it may be a travesty and a perversion of the democratic process, but for now the Gibson interview will have to stand as Palin's audition with the American people.

Because that's all we're going to get. One tiny interview with the woman who wants to be THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE FREE WORLD.

Oh, I forgot! She'll be talking soon with Sean Hannity. I'm sure that will be a tough set of questions.

Let's play a drinking game with the Hannity interview. Every time he mentions how she's been subjected to sexism or unfair treatment by the media you have to take a shot.

I imagine you'll be drunker than Winston Churchill before the interview is 5 minutes old.

You know, if she didn't want to be "subjected to unfair treatment" she could always GO ON A SUNDAY MORNING TALK SHOW or, Heaven forbid, TALK OFTEN AND OPENLY WITH THE MEDIA.

But that ain't gonna happen.

Because she isn't up to the task of talking openly to the media without looking like a completely unqualified and uninformed PTA mom who wants to be THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE FREE WORLD.

So much for country first, McCain.

As Obama said, I guess you'd "rather lose your integrity than lose an election."

Have You Ever Been Executive Experienced?

2008-09-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

So the GOP keeps touting the fact that Sarah Palin has more "executive experience" than Barack Obama.

Of course they leave out the fact that she also has more executive experience than John McCain.

But what does executive experience mean? That you had employees?

Christ she was mayor of Wasilla, AK. A 7,000 person town and the governor for 20 months of the 4th smallest state in the union.

She is also under investigation for abuse of power and was almost recalled as mayor in a firing scandal.

Well I used to manage a sporting goods store. I had some employees under me and I never even got a write-up!

Can I be President now?

Fumbling the Hand-Off

2008-09-03T16:20:00.000-07:00

Yaaaaay! We handed over the Anbar province!!!! According to the right-wing the war is almost over!

Right? Right?

Sort of.

Not really.

No.

From the Washington Post...

"...as Iraqis celebrated the milestone, uncertainty lingered about the future of a linchpin in the effort to secure Anbar and the rest of Iraq: the Awakening movement, a 100,000-person group of former Sunni insurgents who now cooperate with U.S. troops.

The Shiite-led government has recently stepped up a campaign to arrest leaders of the Awakening and dismantle parts of the program, whose members receive $300 a month from the U.S. military. Many fighters have abandoned their posts and fled their homes to avoid detention, stoking fears that some will rejoin the insurgency."

So we leave and the Shiite government starts arresting the people who fought al-Qaeda in Iraq for us.

Sounds like stable democracy to me!

From USA Today...

"...approximately 25,000 U.S. Marines stationed in Anbar will remain for now, but they will run fewer patrols and function largely in a supporting role for Iraqi security forces."

So we're handing it over. But we're still running patrols and keeping 25,000 troops there.

Is that really "handing it over"? 25,000 US troops is a lotta guns, bullets and boots in the area.

Doesn't sound like a hand-over in any sense of the word except symbolically saying, "Here ya go. Arrest our former allies without cause and we won't stop you. Do what you want! However if things get out of hand we have 25,000 fucking death-bringers ready to go at a moment's notice. So enjoy your sovereignty! For now!"

What Republican Really Think About Sarah Palin

2008-09-03T16:16:00.000-07:00

The Vagina Card

2008-09-03T00:08:00.000-07:00

A quote from McCain campaign spokeswoman Carly Fiorina (the FIRED CEO of Hewlett Packard)...

"Because of Hillary Clinton's historic run for the Presidency and the treatment she received, American women are more highly tuned than ever to recognize and decry sexism in all its forms. They will not tolerate sexist treatment of Governor Palin."

REALLY, BITCH?

This is not only a blatant (ineffective) pander to dissafected Hillary voters it is also a ridiculous distortion of what is going on.

The fact is the Obama campaign hasn't said anything all that horrible about Sarah Palin other than to lightly point out that she is VASTLY INEXPERIENCED.

Other than that they've been fairly hands off. The media hasn't been overly in attack-mode either although they're doing their usual light-news job with a new figure on the scene.
Honestly there are things the press could be going after with both barrells blazing right now and we'll see if they will in the coming days.

But as for now reporters are in a wait and see mode. There is no mention of gender at all as far as I've seen in ANY criticizm of Palin.

Also let me point out that the McCain camp doesn't have any qualms talking about Obama's experience vs. McCains's when it suits their purposes.

Did they do this because he was black?

Probably not.

Probably they thought it was a winning strategy. Or maybe they even think it's true.

So if Obama or the media go after Palin please don't pull the va-jay-jay card. People in public life get shots taken at them regardless of what is between their legs.

Christ, it's not like Obama said, "Fuck that bitch. She gonna be too emotional to run this bizness, bleeding all over the Oval Office rug once a month and shit.

Anyway there are plenty of Palin things to talk about that have nothing to do with her gender:

1. Troopergate
2. Almost recalled as mayor of her 7,000 person town.
3. Wants to teach creationism.
4. Doesn't believe climate change is man-made.
5. Thinks the Iraq war is a mission from God.
6. Is anti-choice in cases of rape or incest.
7. My 17 year-old whore daughter fucked a hockey-player dueschebag without a rubber-gate.

None of these have anything to do with whether she has an innie or an outie down there.

So Carly, shut the fuck up and go back to screwing up companies. You dumb girl.

Radically Pro-F**king

2008-08-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, the GOP is really progressive.

I mean they nominated a woman! For Vice-President!!! In 2008!

Which is about 24 years after the Democrats did it.

Yawn.

This may be the most cynical VP pick I've ever seen.

I mean what's the strategy here?

Does McCain actually expect to peel off a significant amount of women voters just because he nominated the former runner-up to Ms. Alaska?

Does John McCain really think women are that stupid?

I guess the obvious answer is YES - JOHN MCCAIN REALLY THINKS WOMEN ARE THAT STUPID.

Otherwise you have to wonder why did he pick her? Was Palin truly the best person for the job?

No. Most likely he nominated her because she has a vagina.

And here I thought Republicans were against affirmative action.

I know some of you are thinking this is a ground-breaking pick. This is a chance to "shatter that glass ceiling once and for all!".

But please slow down for a mo and allow me to point out that while Sarah Palin is most certainly a woman (and therefore in my mind has the chance to be the most fuckable Vice-President ever) she is also anti-choice, pro-gun, pro big oil, opposes stem-cell research, wants to teach creationism in schools, tried to ban books at the local library, also has ZERO FOREIGN POLICY EXPERTISE and is currently the first term governor of Alaska - a state which has a population smaller than the cast of Lost.

Before that she was the mayor of a town with 7,000 people. There are bigger high schools than that.

All of which brings too mind that watchword of the last month - experience.

After all isn't that why Obama has been painted by McCain as such an overwhelmingly DANGEROUS pick - because he was a first-term Senator with so little "experience"?

I guess that argument is off the table now that John - death is not only knockin' at my door but ringing the Goddamn doorbell - McCain has nominated someone who is younger than Obama and has fewer foreign policy credentials than my left testicle.

In fact Palin has said she's "not that interested" in foreign policy. So that's promising. I'm sure Vladimir Putin is trembling in his boots thinking about going toe to toe with the former runner-up to Ms. Alaska who is "not that interested" in foreign policy.

Great choice, John!

Also Palin said her favorite meal is Moose Stew.

Ew. I take back what I said about her being fuckable.

Alsthough Governor Palin does have 5 kids which means she has definitely been fucked at some point.

So that's at least one thing I have in common with this Republican harpie.

We are both pro-fucking!

Of course Palin is against abortion in all cases INCLUDING RAPE AND INCEST.

So in Sarah Palin's world if you're dad fucks you, then you become pregnant and for some crazy reason want to get an abortion well... you're fucked.

OK I totally take back what I said about being pro-fucking. I am now moderately pro-fucking while Sarah Palin is rabidly pro-fucking in all cases INCLUDING RAPE AND INCEST.

Speaking of which, I'm looking forward to Joe Biden ripping her a new one in the debate.

And then fucking her in it.

Hee hee.

Maybe the runner-up to Ms. Alaska is hoping there's a talent portion to the event.

Hee hee again.

Here's another thought - Sarah Palin - the zero foreign policy experience Vice-Presidential nominee to a 72 year-old four time Melanoma surivor - also has 5 kids, one of whom is a baby.

So there is a very good chance that if she's elected Palin will be changing diapers for two gwumpy widdle boys.

By the way if you vote for McCain just because his running mate has a twat you are dumber than a pot of moose stew.

One last observation - Andrea Mitchell's facelift makes her look like the Joker in the 1988 "Batman" movie.

Yeah, And?

2008-08-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

I don't care who Obama picks as his VP.

I just want the conversation to be over with.

If I hear one more reporter let loose a self-congratulatory chuckle right before saying the word "veepstakes", I'm going to microwave a Bible.

It's just an excuse to fill the discussion with idle chatter so they can avoid talking about complicated or uncomfortable things. Things that aren't quite fodder for gossip.

I can tell you in this election people will not be voting based on who the VP is.

If you're thinking about voting for McCain at this point you see the World so differently from a Democratic voter that Obama could probably nominate Rush Limbaugh for Veep and you'd still go the other way.

This is a black and white election in more ways than one.

This is Probably Bad

2008-08-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

From a recent editorial in the Russian newspaper Pravda...

"So you have the colossal audacity, Mr. Bush, to “warn” Russia to pull back? As the wanton, perverse war criminal under whose watch the world saw the crime known as “shock and awe” committed, I’d say you were well out of your mind to suggest that Russia should pull back.

What’s a little shock and awe among inferior people we want to rob and destroy, eh?

What do human beings need an infrastructure for?

Why do they need clean water? Why do they need electricity?

What’s a little torture?

What’s a little regime change? Don’t recall when that was a goal of yours?

What’s a little deviant, perverted sexual experimentation and humiliation?

What’s a few secret detention camps?

What’s wrong with destroying an environment for 4 billion years and generations after generations of people? After all, they’re just rag heads, aren’t they Mr. Bush?

Perhaps when Russia even begins to match your tremendous feats of glory can you speak about pulling back you fool of the worst kind."

Yikes. Looks like we have a teensy bit of a stain on our reputation.

But don't worry.

I'm sure we can wash it right out with just a few drops of water.

One last thing - God Bless America.

Not this one. The one I read about in books...

Enough Bullshit to Choke a Messiah

2008-08-17T02:13:00.000-07:00

"It was like watching pigs roll around in shit and fuck each other happily."
My friend Rachel on the Saddleback Summit

Some more thoughts on the recently televised debacle...

1. I'm so sick of arguing about abortion with evangelicals I want to punch a baby.

Abortion is legal, will always be legal and unless you want to take women who get abortions and prosecute them for pre-meditated murder you should shut the fuck up right now.

It's not a life, it's a fucking fetus. You don't have a funeral for a miscarriage.

There, I rest my case.

2. If self-importance caused cancer Rick Warren would have tumors the size of Jesus.

Sort of ironic for a guy who preaches "it's not about you."

Because tonight was clearly about Rick Warren and his fat fucking ego-hole. How else to explain the -dare I say it- "audacity" of his questions?

I didn't mind that he asked the candidates about their faith. Well actually yeah I do but at least that's a legitimate question for a pastor to ask.

But when he starts asking them about what Supreme Court justices they like or don't like he obliterates the wall of separation between church and state to the point where he might as well be an Iranian Imam.

We live in America, not the United States of Jesus. Jesus is not in the constitution, nor in any local or civil codes that I'm aware of.

If you're a pastor keep it to the metaphysical. Asking about the fucking Supreme court is not in your job description and it's inappropriate in the extreme.

Some of the questions were also just plain puerile. At one point he asked, "Does evil exist?". How reductive a query is that? Liker one of the candidates was actually going to say, "No, evil is imaginary. Just like Jesus."

Also why is this event on TV? This should have been a private thing. Putting it on TV is gross and only serves to feed into the self-importance of delusional rapture-believing evangelicals while at the same time marginalizing rational humanists.

In short - it sucks and I'm offended.

Boo-hoo.

3. John McCain comes off really well when he's allowed to regurgitate right-wing talking points without being challenged on their veracity.

For instance he said that we're "winning" the war in Iraq.

Bullshit.

Baghdad has been divided into Shiite and Sunni ghettos. The residents of these hell-holes cannot leave their respective slums without being killed or worse. 12 foot walls separate neighborhoods from each other.

This horrible partitioning is more responsible than any surge for the reduction in violence.

Militias are in control of large parts of the city and the country. The Green Zone is still the only safe place for Americans.

5 years after invading most Iraqis still don't have running water or power for more than a few hours a day. They are wallowing in sewage in the heat of summer.

3 million Iraqis have fled as refugees and are afraid or unable to return to their country.

Many more are homeless. Thousands are dead.

How the fuck are we "winning"?

But alas, this is now the conventional wisdom.

WE ARE WINNING SAYS THE MEDIA AND ALL EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY SHALL BE TORN TO BITS AND SHOVED DOWN THE MEMORY HOLE AT ONCE!

McCain later said he wouldn't have nominated Justices Ginsburg, Souter and Breyer.

But he VOTED FOR ALL OF THEM.

So he is either easily fooled or he gets confused and votes "yes" when he means "no".

Which is worse?

Also McCain said America was "founded on Judeo-Christian principles".

No we fucking weren't. Where in the Bible does it mention freedom of speech or protection from unlawful search and seizure? Where in the New Testament does it talk about the right to own a gun or a free press?

It doesn't and it's bullshit to say the founding fathers were Christians.

Some were, many were NOT. They were deists, atheists and agnostics.

This country was founded on English common law and the philosophy of the Enlightenment that said man is capable of rational self-government.

So for McCain to claim that we we're founded by BIBLE THUMPERS means one of two things: he is either lying through his teeth or incredibly, unforgivably ignorant.

Which is worse?

SEPARATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND PANDER

2008-08-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

Questions...

Why is anyone sitting on stage feeding the ego of this mega-church douchebag? Why are the members of his church privy to what amounts to a de facto Presidential debate?

When did red-headed idiot Rick Warren become the spiritual guru for our country? I just about vomited when Obama brought up how Warren sold 25 million books and they both laughed heartily about it.

I get it, Pastor. You're rich as shit. I'm sure Jesus would be really, really proud.

This reminds me of Medieval England when the King had to cultivate relationships with clergy in order to keep the reigns of power.

Why did the Obama campaign even agree to this event in the first place? He doesn't agree with these Jesus-Freaks on most issues and he's not going to convince a huge amount of them to vote for him no matter how hard or how fast he panders.

These people are too close-minded to peel off any # of them high enough to make a difference.
These are not intellectuals. These are believers.

Obama and his "nuanced" positions are lost on people who believe there is a man in the sky watching everything you do and keeping score. These are people who really BELIEVE that someone was dead for 3 days and then - whoop! - magically rose out of the fucking ground and ascended into heaven.

I'm sure they're really ready to think hard and deep about stem-cell research.

I'm watching this debacle and I have to say so far it's disheartening to hear what Obama has to say. He seems unable to say to these people - "Look, you and I are going to disagree on a lot of issues but here is where we can maybe find common ground. If you vote for me great, if no I understand."

Like gay marriage - as a black man Obama should be ashamed to "define" marriage as between a man and a woman. After all it wasn't too long ago that interracial marriage was considered verboten to many Americans. But I guess gay is the new black.

We just legalized gay marriage in California and no one seems to have lost their shit over it. I wish he'd just said, "Marriage is a state issue, not a religious one. Get over it."

But he trotted out that civil union bullshit which is the equivalent of "separate but equal".

Whatever. This event is bullshit even in the basic conception. Why are they talking at a big mega-church on TV?

Is John McCain going to talk at the Atheist's convention? How about the next gathering of the Council for Secular Humanism?

Of course not. Because even though we have SEPARATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE apparently the Jesus Freaks are the only one's who matter.

I want to go live in another country now.

By the way, I've seen better, more probing questions asked on Inside the Actor's Studio.

I was waiting for Warren to ask Obama what his favorite sound or noise was.

Children's Literature

2008-08-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

I just spent the last hour reading picture book after picture book to a 2 year-old girl in an attempt to get her to fall asleep.

At the end of it she was still wired like a crystal meth addict on Red Bull.

I blame children's literature.

These books have beautiful pictures and captivating plots about cute lil' animals that get lost and find their way home against overwhelming odds. Even I can't put it down.

Fuck that.

Next time I wanna put a kid to bed I'm reading them either Dostoevsky, Melville or anything by Joel Osteen.

ZZZZ, indeed.

By the way, don't read this and pretend you like Melville. I'll give you Dostoevsky but no one really likes Melville.

We all just pretend we do because it's easier than admitting we've been wrong about "Moby Dick" all these years.

The Death of Stand-Up Comedy America...

2008-08-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

In the last 18 months alone...

R.I.P. Nitwits - Sioux Falls, SD

R.I.P. Comedy Texas - Beaumont, TX

R.I.P. The Funny Bone - Fairview Heights, IL

R.I.P. The Funny Bone - Boise, ID

R.I.P. The Funny Bone - Reno, NV

R.I.P. The Funny Bone - South Bend, IN

Clubs closing, travel costs skyrocketing, wages stagnating, no one with the time or energy to leave the house and see a show...

Folks, once every 6 months please go out and support your local comedy club. Otherwise you may wake up one day to find it's gone.

So pay for a ticket, buy a drink or two, get out from in front of that hi-def TV, computer screen, iphone or other thingamajig and enjoy some good old-fashioned live entertainment.

Unless your local club doesn't book me.

Then fuck 'em. Burn it to the ground.

The Off-Shore Drill Bit - A Love Song to Credulous Americans Everywhere

2008-08-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

Gas is like $4 a gallon these days...

Or even more (see picture).

So what does the Republican party do about these dire straits of Hormuz?

What, might you ask, is their cumulative, best answer to this gravest of American circumstance?

What solution shall they evince to soundly countermand the shot across the bow of the U.S.S. Armageddon that is the current energy crunch?

Well for the most part they seem content to rant and rave like ADD-addled 2nd graders in men's clothing. Yes one can't help but feel secure that the country is in good hands when the Republican party pries it's mouth off the oil companies' collective johnson just long enough to throw an astounding hissy fit for tourists on the floor of the House of Representatives.

About what? Why about the IMMINENT NEED FOR OFFSHORE DRILLING.

Because THAT and THAT ALONE is the answer to all our prayers.

Yeah.

Right.

In other words they insincerely offer a non-solution to the VERY REAL problem of energy. Then they turn it into a political stick and wield it like a fucking bludgeon against the noggin of public opinion until the American populous doesn't know what to think anymore.

Of course if we had a skeptical media instead of an inept media this wouldn't be an issue. The problem is the mainstream press is pushing this crap like it's actually a viable issue. Under the guise of impartiality they're repeating the GOP talking points without bothering to refute the obvious facts.

The result of all this being that an apparently large part (80% at last count) of the overworked, underpaid, non-investigatory-by-nature type citizens in this here country are apparently buying into the Republican oil company-whore bull shee-yat machine.

So for all you confused, lost, faithful patriots out there, here's THREE BIG REASONS why OFFSHORE DRILLING IS WRONG, along with a few simple exercises you can do that are sure to help with yer learnin' 'bout the issue!

Reason #1 - It will take 10 years to see any of this oil. 10 fucking years.

Here's a good way to think about that:

Take the age that you are now. This moment. Today.

Then add 10 years to it.

What number did you arrive at? Good.

That will be the age you are before offshore drilling HAS ANY FUCKING EFFECT ON OIL PRICES.

If that's not enough to sink in the message then try this handy theorem:

Go look in the nearest mirror and stare right at your lovely, dimpled American face.

Now imagine the effects of another DECADE OF RECORD OIL PRICES and EXTREME GLOBAL WARMING RADIATION will have on that presumably vacant expression you so comfortably wear like an old pair of granny panties.

Yes, dear Americanski, you are correct!

10 years from now you will not only look stupid (as per usual), but rather stupid and old.

Enjoy that!

Reason #2 - When the oil hits the market it will only effect the price by a few cents.

Here's a great exercise to help you comprehend the ultimate, inescapable insignificance of "a few cents":

Go to the closest store to your house.

Maybe even walk to save on energy. That's a good patriot! :)

Now try to buy something with a nickel.

What do you mean "you can't buy something for a nickel"?

Why surely you can get a pack of gum or some beef jerky or maybe even a stick of licorice for a good ol' Tommy Jefferson!

Jesus H., he was our THIRD PRESIDENT after all. His visage has to have some value, if only sentimental.

No? You can't buy anything?

Great! Now think about the effect that saving A FEW CENTS PER GALLON IN 10 YEARS will have on your life!

If your answer was ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM then congrats!

You're starting to comprehend the unfortunate fact that you jus' ain't gonna send your kiddies to college with the money you saved because of offshore drilling.

Reason #3 - When you're in a hole the first rule is: STOP DIGGING.

Look, folks, we're addicted to oil. Even 'Dubya says so. So is the solution to that to try and find more oil?

Oil that won't even hit the pumps for 10 years?

Let's ponder this question by completing another super-duper easy exercise. Ready?

Step 1: Go get addicted to heroin.

Pretty great stuff, huh?

Step 2: OK, now try to get off of heroin by DOING MORE HEROIN.

What? You're still riding the white horse? Shoot.

How about this...

Step 3: Try to stop shooting up heroin by going out and LOOKING FOR CHEAPER HEROIN THAT IS CLOSER TO YOUR HOUSE.

How's that working out?

Huh? What do you mean you're still addicted to heroin and your arm is covered with puss-filled scabs?

Well shit. Sorry!

Um, look, just try not to get AIDS from a dirty needle or blow anyone for like a dollar.

I mean you can't even get a gallon of gas for a dollar, let alone some more yummy smack.

OK, now sober up and think about what that exercise taught us besides the fact that heroin fucking rocks.

It taught us you don't break an addiction to something by doing more of what you're addicted to.

Duh.

To sum up...

The solution is not offshore drilling.

The solution is alternative energy investment and NOW.

Plug-in hybrids, updated building codes, public transit that runs on good karma and rainbows, I don't give a shit.

The answer is anything but letting the oil companies fuck up the coast line and pollute our already damaged ecosystem so you can save a nickel a gallon in 10 years.

OK, final exercise:

Take a deep breath.

Now admit I'm right.

Viva la Sioux Falls (go Canaries!)

2008-07-14T13:04:00.001-07:00

Sioux Falls, you have been a surprise.

I guess I assumed that so far removed were thee from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the GREAT NATION STATE that you wouldn't get me, or I wouldn't get you, or we wouldn't get each other and would just spend 4 nights staring back and forth like two people on an interminable first date.

Thus was not the case.

The crowds were perfect. They were in no particular order: polite, enthusiastic, astute and eager to listen (I know I sound like I'm describing a young suitor from a Jane Austen novel but that's how they were).

I can't wait to come back here next year. Hell, even the bachelorette party on Saturday night was perfectly behaved. How often does that happen?

I've noticed something lately. Small-town America ain't so small anymore. No when it comes to ideas, anyway.

Perhaps it's the greater access to information these burgs have nowadays. The 24-hour cable news networks and the internet providing a portal to every tidbit and morsel of goings on, thereby allowing for deeper, more measurable amounts of cultural penetration into the outer sectors of society.

Perhaps...

Or maybe, just maybe I just shouldn't prejudge people.

I dunno. All I know is I had a great time at the Sioux Falls Canaries game yesterday.

This wasn't Triple A, Double, nor even lowly Single A ball. No this was independent Northern League ball.

These are guys hanging on to the dream by the thread of a thread's second cousin.

I have to say, it doesn't get any better or purer for someone of my tastes.

$10 bucks for a box seat right behind first base. A hot dog and a Diet Coke in hand and I was in small stadium heaven.

Loved the atmosphere. Families everywhere, everyone there before the first pitch and staying 'til the last. Not a swear word to be heard.

I sat two rows in front of a greasy-haired 50 year-old chatterbox with a set of teeth like piano keys who never met a Canaries player he couldn't root on or an opposing batter he couldn't work up a jeer or two against. Clad in his late model Rolling Stones concert T-shirt, he was one of those "wants to be funny but never will be" type guys. A know it all. Cliff Claven in Sioux Falls.

The type of guy who stands during the part of the game when everyone else is sitting down.

But I was glad he was there. I found it comforting to hear his unending chatter - rah rah encouragements for the home team mingled with conspiratorial accusations in the wake of every close or downright bad judgment on the part of the umps.

It wasn't satisfying to him that the umpires would actually make an honest mistake from time to time or call to call. No he had to believe these men were actually from the other team's home town or were perhaps in receipt of a bribe from some opposing coach/owner/evil baseball game fixer. Some malfeasance was occurring and would not go uncommented upon as long as Cliff was present, ever-vigilant in the seats behind first.

There was no pitch, no ball or strike, no infield pop-up, no well-laid bunt he couldn't work himself into a frenzy of either joy or disgust over. Every baseball game needs one of these guys. He was this one's.

Now for the recap...

At first the Canaries didn't look to be swinging so hot, falling down 4 to 1 in the early going. But then a bases loaded opportunity in the bottom of the 5th inning led to a no out double and then a homer for a grand total of 7 big runs that turned the tide of the game for good.

Go Canaries indeed!

Lots of in between inning hijinks to kill the time.

An Axe thrower popping balloons between his assistant's legs, a unicycler juggling chainsaws, the Canaries' mascot being chased down and tackled by a ten year-old who won a prize for doing thus.

By the way - is that not the creepiest mascot ever? I mean, what happened to the full body suit? Did he misplace his bird gloves? There is just something incredibly disturbing about seeing a man with a canary face and human hands.

Other than that it was a successful afternoon and a great week in Sioux Falls. I hope I come here every summer and I hope the Canaries win it all this year, whatever "all" is in the Northern Leagues.

It was all enough for me.

I am old...

2008-07-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'm old.

Not old like "I'm gonna die any minute old".

I'm old like "I can't believe I played basketball 3 days in a row" old.
34 is too old for the NBA and it sure as hell is too old for the rec center.

My legs feel like I ran a marathon and my back thinks somebody tried to collect a debt from me with a bat.

Ah well. I'm in Dayton with a day off and this is truly the silly season. No football to watch on TV and nothing on CNN but politicians trying to prove who believes in Jesus more.

I should have gone to the minor league Dayton Dragons game today. Damn! Didn't occur to me 'til I was writing this.

I will tell you one thing for sure, next Sunday night I will be watching the Sioux Falls Canaries take on the hated Sioux City Explorers.

Then the following week I'm gonna check out the Peoria Chiefs openin' up a can of whoop-ass on the West Michigan Whitecaps.

After all, what good is being out here all alone in the midwest summer if I can't have a hot dog and watch somebody chase their dreams 'round the ol' basepath?

I'm OK, You're Fucked Up

2008-07-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am a nervous wreck of steel.

I am a beautiful crater of hate.

I am a strange rat shivering under an umbrella of uncertainty.

I am done with my shows in Dayton. For the year.

It's getting towards that part of the cycle. Time to start booking. Time to worry about January.

I miss smoking copious amounts of pot after a performance.
It made it easier to be alone in a strange city after a show.

I haven't smoked any since January.

It made things interesting and mellow and most of all - when combined with the correct amount and type of other substances - unfeeling.

NyQuil and Xanax alone don't do the trick. They help but I need to shut it down completely somtimes.

To escape from my thoughts for a brief instant of calm in an ocean of fret.

I need it.

My uninterrupted minute of love and serotonin overload.

THC mixed with Xanax mixed with "Chris Mathews' Hardball" mixed with the New York Times Crossword.

Alas, what bliss is this!

Unfortunately there is always a price to pay for escape. The ticket out costs more than I want to pay.

I always wind up back in my own skin, missing something I can't get back.

Drugs suck and they ruin your life.

But like ex-girlfriends and other things that are bad for you, well...

... sometimes you miss them.

Other than that it was a great week and Dayton fucking rocks! See you next year D-town!

I drive to Sioux Falls day after tomorrow. More updates as events warrant.

Peace,
Sean

Doublethink Alert

2008-07-01T16:48:00.001-07:00

According to Orwell's "1984", the concept or practice of doublethink is:

"The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them..."

I run into this shit a lot lately.

Yesterday I was listening to Hugh Hewitt and he said (I'm paraphrasing):

"I'm not fear-mongering! I don't care what Olbermann says! Nobody cares what Olbermann says! I am not a fear-mongerer! Now let me give you some reasons not to vote for Barack Obama. Number one - he will ruin your economic future. Number two - he will get you killed."

Wow.

That is some 4th degree blackbelt level doublethink.

I also saw "actor" Stephen Baldwin on Faux News talking about how Hillary and Barack "hated each other's guts" during the primary.

Then he saw them on TV huggingg the other day and to him that was an example of how the Democratic Party will "literally do whatever it has to, whether it's authentic or not, to win this election."

Now let's be honest. The Dems had a tough primary. Sort of like John McCain and Dubya had in 2000. Remember when Karl Rove spread rumors in S. Carolina that McCain's adoptive Bangladeshi daughter was actually his illegitimate black child?

How do you think that made McCain feel?
I mean Bush's campaign went after his daughter!
Do you think he was filled with feelings of love and tenderness towards the dear leader?

Or do you think he wanted to beat the living shit out of ol' Georgie-boy and Turd-Blossom?

Regardless, in the 2004 general election we were treated to this creepiness...

Now the Obama/Clinton primary reached some fairly heady levels of nastiness (mostly from Clinton's side - the 3 AM phone call ad, etc.). However nothing came even close to the shit Rove pulled on McCain's little girl.

But obviously poor little Stevie has had his political theater cherry popped by the horrible spectacle of Hill and Big O huggin' it out.

Anyway, Baldwin also went on to say...

"What is freaky to me is the media and Hollywood is so convinced that Middle America and mainstream America cares what it thinks."

Right. Well what is freaky to me is that Baldwin doesn't understand the irony of his statement.

Because when he was saying it (and I could be wrong ) he really seemed to believe people should care what he thinks.

And I don't want to be an asshole, but...

Hello, Steve!!!! YOU'RE FROM HOLLYWOOD!!!!

That's why you're on Faux News! Not because you're an incisive, well-respected intellectual or a member of some obscure think-tank!

No, you're on TV giving your opinion because you made fucking Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore.!

Anyway I'm actually having a pretty good day. I've just been re-reading Orwell and the term doublethink really got me... thinking.

But not doublethinking. I swear.

William the Conqueror had a Gay Kid

2008-06-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

Driving across the vastness of nothing.

First I was in Canada for one more beautiful day...

Then, unfortunately and in chronological order:
Montana... North Dakota... Minnesota... AAAAAAGH!
Same prairie, different day.

Yes, it is grandiose in it's emptiness.
Yes I passed by several sites I recognized from reading about the Lakota Wars of the 1870's.

Yes it is too much time alone in my wee head.

Stayed at the Sacajawea Hotel and Inn outside of Nowhere, Montana.

Stayed at the Wagon Wheel Hotel just north of Fargo.

Stayed in my car for 30 HOURS all the way to... Milwaukee!

This roadside dinosaur is the most interesting thing I saw the whole fucking drive.

I am much resolved never to spend that amount of time alone again.

I listened to an audiobook on the entire history of the British Monarchy.
Here is my advice - stop after the House of York. Once you get to the Tudors it's just not that interesting (no offense to the Brititsh).

I realized why I like American history more, especially the revolutionary period. American history seems to be all about lofty ideals and this wacky, crazy experiment in self-government.
I know that's reductive but it's also in large part true.

English history - at least the royal part - is just one rich nobleman or woman backstabbing another in a constant struggle for power which seemed to have very little if anything at all to do with the wellbeing of the common people.

Perhaps I'm being judgmental but that's my impression after making it through all of one book. So uniformed I may be. I'm tearing through Churchill's "History of the English Speaking Peoples" now so perhaps my opinions will change. It's happened before.

I learned a few interesting things tho!

For instance William the Conqueror (the guy in the picture) had a gay son. So if anyone out there has a gay child and is at all chagrined, fret not.

William the fucking Conqueror had a gay kid too. So relax, you're in good company.

William's kid was William the II but everybody called him Rufus.
That is fucking hilarious.

Ahhhh...

2008-06-20T02:41:00.000-07:00

Fucking great show in Canadia tonight.

About 140 Calgarians came to party. OK for a Thursday night in summer, eh?

I like Canadian audiences because even if you jest 'bout sensitive subjects during your show they don't get pre-offended the way American audiences tend to do (depending on what city you're in of course).

I also like them because I can do an hour and a half show without mentioning my dick or someone's pussy. Or my dick in someone's pussy. Or someone's pussy in the general vicinity of my dick.

Or even vague allusions to dicks, pussies, fucking, sucking, licking, biting, fisting, anal, cumming, spitting, swallowing, midget frolicking, salad-tossing or least of all naked pancake wallowing (you figure out what that last one is).

They just don't need it. The Canadians that is.
They're not that intellectually lazy.

The best part is when I close the show on a blow-job joke the Canucks lap it up quite thankfully!

OK, maybe that was a bad metaphor.

What I mean is, they're willing to use their brains for an entire 90 minute set. So when you do a dick joke or two at the end it's like a special treat for 'em. Fucking adorable.

A couple new Canadian-specific jokes for your enjoyment...

Canada is the most passive aggressive country I've ever been to. I firmly believe it would never invade another nation - they'd just move in and leave their shit everywhere.

Canada - where the money is different colors and the people mostly aren't.

We should have invaded Canada instead of Iraq. Have you seen the average American waistline? Fucking Canadian syrup is a bigger threat than Saddam ever was.

On a serious note - I can't wait to come back here next year.

Politics Vs. Art

2008-06-19T03:10:00.000-07:00

I am most at peace when I am on stage practicing my craft.

I am only at peace when I am on stage practicing my craft.

Everything surrounding that moment is for me almost untenable.

But that moment is everything.

Clive James once compared being an artist to being a slave (calm down people, it was a metaphor).

He said that only by submitting to your art can you ever really find freedom.

True that.

All I can say is thank God I'm working tomorrow evening.

Monday - Wednesday is my least favorite time of the year.

Can you tell I'm not good at relaxing? I don't do well with days off.

I do well with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome..."

This is starting to sound whiny.

Starting?

Campbell Brown Needs a Valium and Lou Dobbs is a Fucking Moron

2008-06-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today I saw CNN's Campbell Brown lead off her newscast by saying two muslim women had made "explosive allegations" against Obama's campaign, sending his team into "damage control mode again".

Campbell, for propriety's sake it's best not to refer to muslims as having made "explosive" allegations. Although it did make me laugh.

The damage control thing pissed me off though. Damage from who? The media over reporting a teensy incident that has nothing to do with any real, substantive issues affecting the American people? Fuck away, Campbell.

She was of course referring to the non-story that two Obama volunteers had told a couple muslim women who were wearing head scarves that they couldn't sit behind Obama at a campaign event. This is really not worth a second of air-time.

These are two idiot volunteers acting most likely of their own accord and not representing the true feelings of the Obama campaign or Senator Obama, who I really don't think is paranoid about being seen with Muslims. Need evidence?

See below.

So in short, these were too dumb-ass self-important "volunteers" (in other words - non-paid, non-official staffers) who decided to tell the women to move. It is a non-story.

The media being the media however, it probably sounded too juicy too pass up when they were spit-balling it around at the morning meeting (Oh! What noxious vapors of douchebaggery must waft around those rooms - sniiifff. Ah, I can almost smell it from Calgary.).

So she led off her newscast with the "explosive" allegations tease, and then didn't mention it until late in the newscast and then only briefly.

(BTW - As I type this blogspot keeps underlining Obama in red as if I've misspelled it. NOTE TO BLOGSPOT: Obama is going to be President. It is time to add his name to spellcheck. Ironically blogspot also keeps underlining blogspot. So apparently blogspot is not aware of blogspot.)

Also tonight I saw Lou Dobbs demand off-shore oil-drilling. As if fucking up the coastline and relying more and more on petroleum is the answer to our energy problems.

Lou, dear sweet, fat-headed Lou, off-shore drilling will only lower the cost of fuel by pennies and it will further fuck up the atmosphere by keeping us on the carbon emissions path. Also I heard a rumor they'll hire illegal Mexicans to do the drilling!

Just kidding about the last thing.

Anyway he was OUTRAGED and INDIGNANT as always because, hey, that sells. To be truthful I think he has a fair piece of indignant lodged in his colon. He always looks like he's trying to take a shit or pass a huge piece of hate through his duodenum. But that's just my opinion.

Look, people, the point is we need massive wind, solar and other alternative energy investment. We need hydrogen-fuled tractors, cars and trucks. We need electric cars powered by the aforementioned solar and wind. We need a rail freight system powered by wind and solar running throughout this country to bring goods to market.

What we don't need is more oil drilling fucking up the ecosystem, my lungs and my kid's future's.

Also Lou Dobbs needs a high-colonic. He has 40 pounds of outrage wedged in a bile duct and it's gonna kill him someday.