Wednesday, April 8, 2009

This Week In History Volume 9!

April 5th – 11th

 * In 1957 the Suez Canal was reopened after tense negotiations.

 This marked the opening of the largest canal on record until January 26, 2009 when Nadya Suleman gave birth to Octuplets.

* In 1961 the Holocaust’s most famous planner, Adolph Eichmann, went on trial in Jerusalem.

Eichmann was the Nazi official known chiefly as the author of “The Final Solution”.  However he also authored the best-sellers “Genocide for Dummies” and “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Ridding Europe of the Jewish Menace”. 

* In 1992 retired Tennis Great Arthur Ashe announced he had contracted AIDS from tainted blood given to him during a heart operation.

 This taught millions of people the World over that you should never, ever receive open-heart surgery while having sex with a gay guy.

 *  In 2005 Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles. 

It was a quiet ceremony with the couple exchanging their “I do’s” at Windsor Castle with a few friends on hand.  Afterwards there were Tea and Crumpets and then the groom took the bride back to her stall after riding her in a quick game of polo.

Triva Time!

Q.  On April, 11, 1865 who gave his last public speech?

A.  Abraham Lincoln

Bonus Factoid!

Many people of course remember the Gettysburg Address for its soaring poetry but no one remembers this speech - probably because it was so short.  

Apparently earlier in the day the President had eaten some bad food and ended the talk by saying, “Sorry folks, but I gotta go ‘cause I’m  about to drop one hell of a Lincoln Log”.

This Week In History Volume 8!

March 29 – April 4

*  In 1933 Adolf Hitler got 99% of the vote in a referendum to ratify German reoccupation of the Rhineland.

Of course you know who cost him that other 1 percent -  Frickin' Nader Voters.

* In 1983 WrestleMania was attended by over 93,000 fans at the Pontiac Silverdome, setting a record for the highest attendance at an indoor sporting event in History.

This also marked the first time at a sporting event that there was more trash located in the seats than under them.

 * In 1991 the Georgian Independance Referendum passed, giving Georgia complete autonomy from the Soviet Union and establishing it as an independant country.

When Mississippi heard about it they were super pissed.

* In 1969 the US announced a change of strategy in Vietnam, saying the military would now try to begin “Vietnamizing” the war effort.

 This was considered a marked change of strategy from the preceding six years when the US had attempted to win the war by an all out strategy of “Mexicanizing” it.

 Trivia Time!!

 Q.  In 1850 what southern California town was incorporated as a city?

 A.  Los Angeles!

 Bonus Factoid!!

 In Spanish Los Angeles means “The Angels”.  This means the "Los Angeles Angels" are technically “The Angels Angels”.  Or as everyone in LA likes to call them, “Not the Dodgers”.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

This Week In History Volume 7!

March 22-28

* In 1894 the first Stanley Cup game was played.

Then, 10 years later, the first goal was scored.

* On March 23, 1933 at the height of “The Great Depression” FDR signed a bill ending prohibition. 

Thus March 24, 1933 wil forever go down in history as “The Great Hangover”. 
(I can only imagine what it will be like the day after they cure AIDS.)

* In 1945 “The Arab League” was founded when a charter was adopted in Cairo, Egypt.

The Arab League differs from NATO in that it has 22 members, only includes countries in the Middle East and also does not allow the use of a “designated hitter”.

* In 1978 Karl Wallenda passed away after falling from a tight rope in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Henceforth Karl became quite famous as the “Dying Wallenda”.

* In 1969 John Lennon and Yoko Ono celebrated their honeymoon by holding a “bed-in” for peace at the Amsterdam Hilton.

It would have been more effective as a stunt but since they were newlyweds most of the media just assumed they were really, really horny. Or since it was Amsterdam, really, really stoned.

Trivia Time!!!

Q. In 1775 Patrick Henry delivered a famous speech where he said “Give me liberty or give me...”

A. Death

Bonus Factoid!!

This was considered a great improvement over his first draft of the speech which read, “Get your hands off me you damn dirty apes.” 

Sunday, March 8, 2009

This Week In History Volume 6!

March 8-14

* In 1916 Francisco “Pancho” Villa led a group of Mexicans across the US border in a surprise raid.

It wasn’t actually surprising that Pancho Villa led a raid. He was a bandit, after all.  What was surprising is that when the raid was over all the Mexicans went home.

* In 1942 the army of Holland surrendered to Japanese forces on the island of Java.

Which just goes to show you cannot fight a war wearing wooden shoes while higher than Cheech Marin at a Los Lobos concert.

* In 1977 astronomers found rings around Uranus.

 All I'm saying is, you should probably get that looked at.

 * In 1945 The Royal Air Force dropped the first 22,000 pound “Grand Slam” bomb on the town of Bielefeld, Germany.

 This quickly became a much more devastating weapon than the formerly utilized “Moons Over My Hammy” missile.

 Trivia Question Time!!

 Q. In 1959 what famous doll made her first appearance?

 A. Barbie!

 Ironically, the All-American Barbie was based on the design of a popular German doll called "Bild Lilli".

So I think we all know what that means. Barbie hates Jews.

Now over the years Barbie has been criticized for giving young girls an unrealistic expectation of what their bodies should look like.

In fact according to a health study Barbie would be 5-9, have a 36 inch bust, 18 inch waist and 33 inch hips which means she would lack the 17-22 percent body fat required for a woman to menstruate.

Wow, as if she couldn’t get any more perfect!

Bonus Question!

Do you know what else Barbie lacks that would technically cause her not to be able to menstruate?

Answer: A vagina.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

This Week In History Volume 5!

March 1-7

This Week in History Volume 5

* In 1807 Congress passed an act banning the importation of slaves into the US.

It was all part of a big program by the government to get people to "buy American".

It was also in reaction to a shipment of slaves from China that were found to contain very high levels of lead. 

* In 1962 Wilt Chamberlain set the single-game scoring record in the NBA buy putting the ball in the hole for 100 points.

Later Wilt would become famous for his ability to put something else in the hole over and over and over. 

And over.

* In 2002 Switzerland’s citizens narrowly voted to become a member of the United Nations. 

Wow, the UN was only founded in '46. Way to take a stand Switzerland.

Which brings up the question – do you know why Swiss cars suck? 
Because they’re always in neutral.

* In 1946 Sir Winston Churchill first used the phrase “Iron Curtain” in a speech in Missouri.

Some other iconic phrases Churchill coined but never got credit for include 
“free-ballin’”“you go, girl”, the ever-popular “Hitler sucks ass” and of course speaking of iron curtains Churchill also came up with the now even more famous expression “beef-curtains”.

* In 2001 35 people were crushed in Mecca during the annual pilgrimage known as the Hajj. Do you know how many died? 


Trivia Question Time!!!

Question: In 1876 who was granted a patent for the telephone?

Answer : Alexander Graham Bell

His first words were widely thought to be, “Watson, is that you?”

To which Watson replied, 
“Of course it’s me, douchebag. I’m the only other guy on the planet with a frickin’ telephone.”


Monday, February 23, 2009

This Week in History Volume 4!

February 22-28

*  This week in 1955 America’s greatest female Tennis player, Maureen “Little Mo” Connolly retired from the game.

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say her legacy has inspired literally thousands of  other ’mos to get involved with women’s sports.

 *  In 1997 the Holocaust movie “Schindler’s List” was shown on broadcast television without commercial interruption.

 This marked the first time a film had ever aired completely on TV without any advertising breaks, thus proving once and for all that the Jews control Hollywood.

 *  In 1455 the uber-famous Gutenberg Bible was published – making it the first Western book to be printed from movable type and also giving Gideons everywhere a reason to live.

 The Bible was of course made by Johannes Gutenberg, a German printer who later went on to star in the popular “Police Acadamy” movies and the worldwide box-office smash “Three Men and a Little Schnitzel”.

 *  This week in 1929 Grand Teton National Park was founded in Wyoming.

 To this day it still has the biggest set of Tetons in any American park not named “Dollywood”.

*  Trivia question time!!  Yaaaaay!!!!

 This week in 1952 who discovered DNA?

Answer:  Doctors James Watson and Francis Crick.

 Follow up time! 

Do you know where they discovered it?

Answer:  Your mother’s chin.

See you next week history buffs!

Monday, February 16, 2009

This Week in History!

February 15-21

* In 1797 the Island of Trinidad became a British Crown colony when it was surrendered to the English General Sir Ralph Abercromby.

To celebrate this tremendous naval victory Abercromby promptly engaged in a long, passionate kiss with his homosexual lover – Lieutenant Fitch.

Actually in truth Abercromby was well known for two things above all else. Number one for being a great General and number two for his absolute, undying love of Naval seamen.
* In 1879 President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing women to argue cases before the Supreme Court.

And as expected, since then we’ve never heard the end of it.

* 60 years ago this week Fidel Castro became the leader of Cuba.  

True story - in his younger days Castro had a tryout as an in-fielder with a major-league baseball team but failed to make the squad. Turns out he could hit but had an inaccurate arm.  

So apparenty Fidel not only overthrew Cuba’s government but unfortunately for us, also first base.  

Of course at 50 years Castro still holds the record for the longest serving communist dictator, a record many people feel should come with an asterisk because last year he tested positive for steroids and beard-enhancer.  

* In 1968 in Haleyville, Alabama the first 911 emergency phone system went into service.  

You have to wonder how dangerous was Haleyville, Alabama (pop. 4,000) that they needed to institute an emergency phone system? What were the emergencies?  
“Yes, ma’am, I’m jut calling to report - them Duke Boys is at it again!”  

* This Week in History Trivia Question Bonus!  

Question: In 1861 during the Civil War this man was inaugurated as the first and only President of the Confederate States of America.  Who was he?  

Answer: Jefferson Davis  

Bonus Factoid!

In his previous career as Secretary of War for the United States, Davis gave elaborate reports to congress on various routes for the proposed trans-continental railroad of which he was a big proponent.  

However you know what railroad Jefferson Davis wasn’t a fan of? The Underground one.