This Week In History Volume 7!

March 22-28

* In 1894 the first Stanley Cup game was played.

Then, 10 years later, the first goal was scored.

* On March 23, 1933 at the height of “The Great Depression” FDR signed a bill ending prohibition. 

Thus March 24, 1933 wil forever go down in history as “The Great Hangover”. (I can only imagine what it will be like the day after they cure AIDS.)

* In 1945 “The Arab League” was founded when a charter was adopted in Cairo, Egypt.

The Arab League differs from NATO in that it has 22 members, only includes countries in the Middle East and also does not allow the use of a “designated hitter”.

* In 1978 Karl Wallenda passed away after falling from a tight rope in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Henceforth Karl became quite famous as the “Dying Wallenda”.

* In 1969 John Lennon and Yoko Ono celebrated their honeymoon by holding a “bed-in” for peace at the Amsterdam Hilton.

It would have been more effective as a stunt but since they were newlyweds most of the media just assumed they were really, really horny. Or since it was Amsterdam, really, really stoned.

Trivia Time!!!

Q. In 1775 Patrick Henry delivered a famous speech where he said “Give me liberty or give me...”

A. Death

Bonus Factoid!!

This was considered a great improvement over his first draft of the speech which read, “Get your hands off me you damn dirty apes.” 

This Week In History Volume 6!

March 8-14

* In 1916 Francisco “Pancho” Villa led a group of Mexicans across the US border in a surprise raid.

It wasn’t actually surprising that Pancho Villa led a raid. He was a bandit, after all.  What was surprising is that when the raid was over all the Mexicans went home.

* In 1942 the army of Holland surrendered to Japanese forces on the island of Java.

Which just goes to show you cannot fight a war wearing wooden shoes while higher than Cheech Marin at a Los Lobos concert.

* In 1977 astronomers found rings around Uranus.

 All I'm saying is, you should probably get that looked at.

 * In 1945 The Royal Air Force dropped the first 22,000 pound “Grand Slam” bomb on the town of Bielefeld, Germany.

 This quickly became a much more devastating weapon than the formerly utilized “Moons Over My Hammy” missile.

 Trivia Question Time!!

 Q. In 1959 what famous doll made her first appearance?

 A. Barbie!

 Ironically, the All-American Barbie was based on the design of a popular German doll called "Bild Lilli".

So I think we all know what that means. Barbie hates Jews.

Now over the years Barbie has been criticized for giving young girls an unrealistic expectation of what their bodies should look like.

In fact according to a health study Barbie would be 5-9, have a 36 inch bust, 18 inch waist and 33 inch hips which means she would lack the 17-22 percent body fat required for a woman to menstruate.

Wow, as if she couldn’t get any more perfect!

Bonus Question!

Do you know what else Barbie lacks that would technically cause her not to be able to menstruate?

Answer: A vagina.

This Week In History Volume 5!

March 1-7

This Week in History Volume 5

* In 1807 Congress passed an act banning the importation of slaves into the US.

It was all part of a big program by the government to get people to "buy American".

It was also in reaction to a shipment of slaves from China that were found to contain very high levels of lead. 

* In 1962 Wilt Chamberlain set the single-game scoring record in the NBA buy putting the ball in the hole for 100 points.

Later Wilt would become famous for his ability to put something else in the hole over and over and over. 

And over.

* In 2002 Switzerland’s citizens narrowly voted to become a member of the United Nations. 

Wow, the UN was only founded in '46. Way to take a stand Switzerland.

Which brings up the question – do you know why Swiss cars suck? 
Because they’re always in neutral.

* In 1946 Sir Winston Churchill first used the phrase “Iron Curtain” in a speech in Missouri.

Some other iconic phrases Churchill coined but never got credit for include “free-ballin’”, “you go, girl”, the ever-popular “Hitler sucks ass” and of course speaking of iron curtains Churchill also came up with the now even more famous expression “beef-curtains”.

* In 2001 35 people were crushed in Mecca during the annual pilgrimage known as the Hajj. Do you know how many died? 

Allah.

Trivia Question Time!!!

Question: In 1876 who was granted a patent for the telephone?

Answer : Alexander Graham Bell

His first words were widely thought to be, “Watson, is that you?”

To which Watson replied, “Of course it’s me, douchebag. I’m the only other guy on the planet with a frickin’ telephone.”

Thanks!
Sean

This Week in History Volume 4!

February 22-28

*  This week in 1955 America’s greatest female Tennis player, Maureen “Little Mo” Connolly retired from the game.

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say her legacy has inspired literally thousands of  other ’mos to get involved with women’s sports.

 *  In 1997 the Holocaust movie “Schindler’s List” was shown on broadcast television without commercial interruption.

 This marked the first time a film had ever aired completely on TV without any advertising breaks, thus proving once and for all that the Jews control Hollywood.

 *  In 1455 the uber-famous Gutenberg Bible was published – making it the first Western book to be printed from movable type and also giving Gideons everywhere a reason to live.

 The Bible was of course made by Johannes Gutenberg, a German printer who later went on to star in the popular “Police Acadamy” movies and the worldwide box-office smash “Three Men and a Little Schnitzel”.

 *  This week in 1929 Grand Teton National Park was founded in Wyoming.

 To this day it still has the biggest set of Tetons in any American park not named “Dollywood”.

*  Trivia question time!!  Yaaaaay!!!!

 This week in 1952 who discovered DNA?

Answer:  Doctors James Watson and Francis Crick.

 Follow up time! 

Do you know where they discovered it?

Answer:  Your mother’s chin.

See you next week history buffs!

This Week in History!

February 15-21

* In 1797 the Island of Trinidad became a British Crown colony when it was surrendered to the English General Sir Ralph Abercromby.

To celebrate this tremendous naval victory Abercromby promptly engaged in a long, passionate kiss with his homosexual lover – Lieutenant Fitch.

Actually in truth Abercromby was well known for two things above all else. Number one for being a great General and number two for his absolute, undying love of Naval seamen.

 

* In 1879 President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing women to argue cases before the Supreme Court.

And as expected, since then we’ve never heard the end of it.

* 60 years ago this week Fidel Castro became the leader of Cuba.  

True story - in his younger days Castro had a tryout as an in-fielder with a major-league baseball team but failed to make the squad. Turns out he could hit but had an inaccurate arm.  

So apparenty Fidel not only overthrew Cuba’s government but unfortunately for us, also first base.  

Of course at 50 years Castro still holds the record for the longest serving communist dictator, a record many people feel should come with an asterisk because last year he tested positive for steroids and beard-enhancer.  

* In 1968 in Haleyville, Alabama the first 911 emergency phone system went into service.  

You have to wonder how dangerous was Haleyville, Alabama (pop. 4,000) that they needed to institute an emergency phone system? What were the emergencies?  

“Yes, ma’am, I’m jut calling to report - them Duke Boys is at it again!”  

* This Week in History Trivia Question Bonus!  

Question: In 1861 during the Civil War this man was inaugurated as the first and only President of the Confederate States of America.  Who was he?  

Answer: Jefferson Davis  

Bonus Factoid!

In his previous career as Secretary of War for the United States, Davis gave elaborate reports to congress on various routes for the proposed trans-continental railroad of which he was a big proponent.  

However you know what railroad Jefferson Davis wasn’t a fan of? The Underground one.

This Week in History

February 9-15 

* In 1961 Sabena flight 548 crashed in Belgium, killing all aboard including the entire United States Figure Skating team.

Eyewitnesses say the plane had a perfect take off but needless to say, completely failed to stick the landing. Of course the obvious lesson for all of us is it's not safe or appropriate to attempt a triple Salchow in a 737.  

* In 1965 President Lyndon Baines Johnson sent the first combat troops to fight in South Vietnam.  

Liberals everywhere immediately accused him of waging a “war for rice”.  

* In 2006 Vice-President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man in the face while hunting quail.  

Little known fact – the first President Bush once tried to shoot Dan Quayle in the face but missed and killed a pigeon.  

* In 1924 Calvin Coolidge made history by becoming the first President in to give a political speech on the radio.  

For the first 10 minutes he laid out his platform and then spent the next 2 and 1/2 hours making fun of Baba-Booey and giving away free tickets to the Journey concert.  

* In 1989 Ayatollah Khomeini, the leader of Iran, issued a fatwa against Salman Rushdie for his book the “Satanic Verses”.  

Now I looked it up and apparently a "fatwa" is a death sentence. This was interesting because I was under the impression that “fatwa” was Arabic slang for passing gas.  

As in, “The other day I ate so much hummus I issued a fatwa that could have killed a camel.”  

Or, “Hey, roll down the window. That falafel’s not agreeing with me and I’m about to issue one horrendous fatwa.”

This Week In History

Welcome to This Week in History!

This will be a weekly exercise where I will attempt to spur an interest in history that has lain too long dormant in the breasts of men (side note: breasts doesn't mean boobs, it's a metaphor for your brain).

This is my first attempt... enjoy.

MONDAY - February 2

In 1653 the Dutch colony of New Amsterdam - later to be renamed New York - was officially incorporated as a city.

To celebrate this event five people were mugged and a homeless guy peed on a wall.

TUESDAY - February 3

In 1690 the Colony of Massachusetts issued the first paper money in America.  

Adjusted for inflation in today's money three Massachusetts bank notes would be roughly equivalent to the life savings of everyone involved in the Bernie Maddoff ponzi scheme.

WEDNESDAY - February 4

On this day in 1789 George Washington was chosen as President of the United States, thus becoming America's first white President!

Washington was then followed by 42 more white Presidents in a row over a run of 220 years, exhibiting a dominance that has essentially made white people the New York Yankees of the Presidency.

THURSDAY - February 5

On this day in 1885 King Leopold the II of Belgium established the Congo Free State in Africa as his personal dominion.  

Since this date Europeans have been having filthy monkey sex and bringing the diseases back to the First World on a semi-regular basis.

FRIDAY - February 6th

On February 6th, 1788 the Treaty of Alliance and the Treaty of Amity and Commerce were signed in Paris by the US and France, thus formalizing French aid in the Revolutionary War and also signifying official recognition of the 13 colonies as an independent republic. 

To celebrate this momentous occasion that famous American sex aid the "Freedom Tickler" was renamed the "French Tickler" until an act of Congress in March 2003 reverted it back to the original. 

SATURDAY - February 7

In 1944 in the city of Anzio, Italy the German forces launched a counter attack against the allied offensive "Operation Shingle", Which to this day still holds the record for the least intimidating secret attack plan name ever. 

Other nominees are the invasion of Grenada, code-named "Operation Where the Hell is Grenada and Why the F**k Are We Attacking It?" and the original title for the Bay of Pigs - initially code-named "Operation Moo-cow".

SUNDAY - February 8

On this day in 2008 Nebraska banned the use of the Electric Chair as it's only method of execution. 

Today frequently used ways of causing death in Nebraska include boredom, ennui, pointlessness and a little known method referred to colloquially as "corn-fisting."