Gas is like $4 a gallon these days...Or even more (see picture).
So what does the Republican party do about these dire straits of Hormuz?
What, might you ask, is their cumulative, best answer to this gravest of American circumstance?
What solution shall they evince to soundly countermand the shot across the bow of the U.S.S. Armageddon that is the current energy crunch?
Well for the most part they seem content to rant and rave like ADD-addled 2nd graders in men's clothing. Yes one can't help but feel secure that the country is in good hands when the Republican party pries it's mouth off the oil companies' collective johnson just long enough to throw an astounding hissy fit for tourists on the floor of the House of Representatives.
About what? Why about the IMMINENT NEED FOR OFFSHORE DRILLING.
Because THAT and THAT ALONE is the answer to all our prayers.
Yeah.
Right.
In other words they insincerely offer a non-solution to the VERY REAL problem of energy. Then they turn it into a political stick and wield it like a fucking bludgeon against the noggin of public opinion until the American populous doesn't know what to think anymore.
Of course if we had a skeptical media instead of an inept media this wouldn't be an issue. The problem is the mainstream press is pushing this crap like it's actually a viable issue. Under the guise of impartiality they're repeating the GOP talking points without bothering to refute the obvious facts.
The result of all this being that an apparently large part (80% at last count) of the overworked, underpaid, non-investigatory-by-nature type citizens in this here country are apparently buying into the Republican oil company-whore bull shee-yat machine.
So for all you confused, lost, faithful patriots out there, here's THREE BIG REASONS why OFFSHORE DRILLING IS WRONG, along with a few simple exercises you can do that are sure to help with yer learnin' 'bout the issue!
Reason #1 - It will take 10 years to see any of this oil. 10 fucking years.
Here's a good way to think about that:
Take the age that you are now. This moment. Today.
Then add 10 years to it.
What number did you arrive at? Good.
That will be the age you are before offshore drilling HAS ANY FUCKING EFFECT ON OIL PRICES.
If that's not enough to sink in the message then try this handy theorem:
Go look in the nearest mirror and stare right at your lovely, dimpled American face.
Now imagine the effects of another DECADE OF RECORD OIL PRICES and EXTREME GLOBAL WARMING RADIATION will have on that presumably vacant expression you so comfortably wear like an old pair of granny panties.
Yes, dear Americanski, you are correct!
10 years from now you will not only look stupid (as per usual), but rather stupid and old.
Enjoy that!
Reason #2 - When the oil hits the market it will only effect the price by a few cents.
Here's a great exercise to help you comprehend the ultimate, inescapable insignificance of "a few cents":
Go to the closest store to your house.
Maybe even walk to save on energy. That's a good patriot! :)
Now try to buy something with a nickel.
What do you mean "you can't buy something for a nickel"?
Why surely you can get a pack of gum or some beef jerky or maybe even a stick of licorice for a good ol' Tommy Jefferson!
Jesus H., he was our THIRD PRESIDENT after all. His visage has to have some value, if only sentimental.
No? You can't buy anything?
Great! Now think about the effect that saving A FEW CENTS PER GALLON IN 10 YEARS will have on your life!
If your answer was ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM then congrats!
You're starting to comprehend the unfortunate fact that you jus' ain't gonna send your kiddies to college with the money you saved because of offshore drilling.
Reason #3 - When you're in a hole the first rule is: STOP DIGGING.
Look, folks, we're addicted to oil. Even 'Dubya says so. So is the solution to that to try and find more oil?
Oil that won't even hit the pumps for 10 years?
Let's ponder this question by completing another super-duper easy exercise. Ready?
Step 1: Go get addicted to heroin.
Pretty great stuff, huh?
Step 2: OK, now try to get off of heroin by DOING MORE HEROIN.
What? You're still riding the white horse? Shoot.
How about this...
Step 3: Try to stop shooting up heroin by going out and LOOKING FOR CHEAPER HEROIN THAT IS CLOSER TO YOUR HOUSE.
How's that working out?
Huh? What do you mean you're still addicted to heroin and your arm is covered with puss-filled scabs?
Well shit. Sorry!
Um, look, just try not to get AIDS from a dirty needle or blow anyone for like a dollar.
I mean you can't even get a gallon of gas for a dollar, let alone some more yummy smack.
OK, now sober up and think about what that exercise taught us besides the fact that heroin fucking rocks.
It taught us you don't break an addiction to something by doing more of what you're addicted to.
Duh.
To sum up...
The solution is not offshore drilling.
The solution is alternative energy investment and NOW.
Plug-in hybrids, updated building codes, public transit that runs on good karma and rainbows, I don't give a shit.
The answer is anything but letting the oil companies fuck up the coast line and pollute our already damaged ecosystem so you can save a nickel a gallon in 10 years.
OK, final exercise:
Take a deep breath.
Now admit I'm right.
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